Happy Mother's Day.....Or So They Say

Here it is, the day I've been dreading has finally come and smacked me full force in my heart. The painful reality that I won't be able to ever TRULY celebrate this beautiful holiday for the woman who gave birth to me 23 years ago. A day that used to be filled with laughter and celebration has now turned to pain and many tears. Of course, I'm so grateful and happy for all the mom's out there. At the same time, it's like this day is taking a giant sword and stabbing it through my heart over and over.

Church was rough today. I knew it would be. The leaders took the time to honor and bless all the mom's in the building. All I could do was cry the whole time. Another thing, I received a picture text of my mom's tombstone today. Again, I could only cry. It seems that's the only thing I can do lately. But apparently, that's healthy and normal. But I hate it. I miss my mom.

This should honestly be a time for celebrating in general. A little over a week ago, I turned 23. Honestly, my birthday was ok but if I had to rank it in comparison with all my other birthdays, it was the lowest. It was depressing to not hear my mom's cheerful voice attempting to sing some random birthday jig on my voice mail when I awoke. I miss that so much.

Another thing worth celebrating, my graduation from BSSM 1st Year tomorrow. It's a bittersweet moment for sure! These students and leaders have literally become my family and I'm so grateful for all the time we were able to have together for the last 9 or so months. But now, comes the end where many will go home to later come back in the fall for 2nd Year. Some will not be coming back at all. If you couldn't tell, I really do hate good-byes. These amazing people have been such a strong support in this process. I'd hate to go back to nothing. By the way, if you'd like to tune into my graduation, you can see a live (free) feed of it here:
http://www.ibethel.tv/watch/1409/bssm-1st-year-graduation/
Or you can watch it later I do believe. There's 915 students (I think) and they go up by alphabetical revival groups. Mine's "Marlene Aaronson" (which will be towards the end) so you can fast forward to that part if you'd like (after it's been recorded).

And the question that's been on my whole family's mind (and mine) is "What's next?" Honestly, I don't know. I really want to do 2nd Year but that requires money that I don't have. But I do know that God is faithful and if this is where He wants me, then He'll totally provide (a job, a new car, tuition, mission trip, etc.). But I really don't know what's going to happen. All I know is that I've been looking for jobs (and will go job hunting even more vigorously now that school's out) and we'll see from there. I may have to move depending on if I can get a job here or not. We'll see.

On another note, I've been meaning to write about my mission trip but things have been so chaotic for me the last 2 months.....if you couldn't already tell. I will write about it for sure in my next blog for you though.

This next part of my blog I wrote a month ago and just haven't gotten around to posting it so I decided to clip it on this one:

So here I am, stuck in the middle of one of life's greatest challenges. I'm taking that one step that will bring me toward a new day. Each day brings a new chance at choosing hope, choosing love. It seems that everyday brings new challenges and obstacles, but in the end, will we be able to look back and say that we overcame? That we were able to make victories out of all the challenges in life? So then how would victory look in the face of death? Is it victorious? Is there a sliver of light in the midst of all the darkness? Is there hope for a new and better day?

It seems that all I have left is hope. I'm holding on to LOVE with my whole being. Everyday I have to stop and take a deep breath and realize that life goes on. Everyday the question comes, "Will things ever be normal?" Well then, what is normal? Is normal the perspective of the life we are so used to living? Does normal ever change? In my case, it does. My version of normal has been dramatically transformed. After my mom passed away, it feels like nothing could ever be normal again. So does that mean I make a new "normal" out of life? Of course it does. So then, what does the new normal look like?

Throughout this grieving process, the only person I know I could turn to for strength is Jesus. He has forever been my rock and solid ground when it feels like my ground has been put through the mightiest of earthquakes. He has been my anchor of hope and faith when the strongest of storms tries to tear my ship apart. He has been my consistent comfort as I cry with all that I am. He has been my mighty fortress and strong tower when the fear fires it's fiery darts at me. I'm so thankful that I have such a loving God that has been with me as I walk through this process.

My favorite poem is "Footprints in the Sand" by Mary Stevenson:

One night I had a dream.
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

This poem has been made reality to me so many times in life, especially now. I really do believe that God is carrying me through this time because I don't have the strength on my own. I feel like I'm at my most broken and shattered point I could ever be at.


Looking back now, I can totally see God's hand in all of this, as crazy as that sounds. I'm extremely grateful that my mom wasn't alone or driving when she had the stroke. She was working at her job and it sounded like she was laughing and having a great time. I'm grateful that I was able to go home and see her before she passed away. I'm grateful that it happened while I'm attending BSSM because so many people have come beside me to support me and love on me as I mourn. Most have cried with me actually. I realize that if she passed away during the summer or after I went on to something else, I wouldn't have this amazing chain of support and love that I have here at the school. I'm grateful that the last conversation I had with her was a longer than usual one. Even though we were both busy, we were able to take a moment to "catch up" on everything. So you can imagine that this stroke came as a complete shock to me since she sounded "just fine" a week before she passed. I'm grateful that this didn't happen while I was a teenager or younger; I KNOW I would not be handling it the way I'm handling it now. Of course I'm extremely sad that she parted so soon. And the thought of her not being here for my future birthdays, for holidays, for my wedding day or even coaching me on giving birth to my kids, absolutely tears me apart inside. And of course, everyone keeps telling me that "she's in a better place," and that "she's watching over me." But it's not the same to have someone watching your life from afar and not being a physical participant in life with you.


It's funny how the grieving process works. You can continue on with your life and completely forget what just happened. Your mind seems to have amnesia. You can feel deep down that something terrible's happened but your mind never clicks and tells you that you just lost someone. My whole life, when I would go through something hard or painful, my mom would be the first person I always called for encouragement and a kind word. She was always good at reminding me of my dreams and that "it's all going to be ok." She was the most optimistic person I know. So even now, I know something bad has happened but I can't comprehend it, until I get the urge to call her and tell her about it, and that's when it hits me. I can't call her. I can never hear her voice again. I can never feel her strong encouragement and support. I hate these horrible moments when the realization sets in and it feels like it's the end of the world all of a sudden. I hate how I'm triggered by the smallest of things. I was driving in my car the other day and put in a CD. Well, I've forgotten that the CD I was listening to was the one I listened to when my mom helped me move from Colorado to Minnesota. Again, I broke. 

But yet, through all of this, I'm reminded of how precious life really is and how valuable each and every single person on this planet is. I'm reminded everyday to slow down and take the time to connect with people. To not isolate myself and get lost in my own world, but to go out and allow people into my heart.
So all in all, I still believe that God will still work this out for good and that my family will experience His LOVE for them. All I have now is to let go and let GOD.


So there you have it folks. Make sure you really love on the people in your life today. Especially your mom. She's a huge blessing and you won't realize how much you really do need and love her until she's gone. Or maybe that was just my case. Anyway, take the time to really say the heart-felt things to her (and your dad, siblings, and the rest of your family while you're at it). Life is such a precious thing. Don't waste it.

I'll be here, continuing to climb this giant mountain before me.

Much Love,
~Jess~

2012 Already?!?

Hey everyone.
Sorry this is terribly delayed as usual. Things have been chaotic since the new year and I have no idea where to begin. First off, happy new year! 


Honestly, I have no idea how to feel about 2012. Of course there's all the negative hype around 2012 but then there's also some things I've realized. I was never looking forward to this year. I know that sounds pretty negative but over the years I've been working through a lot of fears of the "end of the world." Now I doubt that this is the year that everything ends (C'mon, seriously? Really?). But this feels like a year where I wanted so many things accomplished. 


You know how you set goals based on your age? Well, that's exactly what I did growing up. I was hoping (more like expecting) to be married by 21, be in at least one movie by 21 (that's always been my dream: to be in Hollywood movies like Lord of the Rings or Star Wars....all fantasy based and mostly pretty clean when it comes to the world's perspective), and to have at least one child by 23. Well, this is the year that I turn 23 and to not have any of the above accomplished, I feel like I've, in a sense, lost it all. But God still reminds me everyday to hope for those things and to never give up. And even though it's hard, I plan on not giving up. Now that I look back on it, I'm actually glad that I'm not married yet....because what I know now on relationships and marriage has drastically changed my perspective on marriage and I'm going in to it with the idea "What can I GIVE to this relationship, not what can I TAKE from this relationship?" I've learned so much about life in general and how to deal with relationships in a fruitful way and I'm very thankful that I haven't pursued a deeper relationship. 


Another reason why I say this is because God has been dealing with a lot of junk in me that I never knew was there. While BSSM is amazing, and the stuff we learn in school is irreplaceable for ministry, I find the most growth I'm getting out of this year is still in the area of my identity. I thought I had it all figured out and knew who I was since BSSD but turns out, there's still a lot of hidden wounds and fears that I need healing and breakthrough in. And because of a recent conflict, I've realized that I'm SOOOOOO not ready for a relationship and this would be very hard to bring all this baggage into marriage, which is something I do NOT want to do to my husband. God is such a great Father and that He just wants the best for me and the reason why His timing is ALWAYS perfect is because He prepares us and cultivates us until we're ready and then He surprises us when we least expect it. I love how He works like that! :D 


Anyway, besides all that, I am in a HUGE need for prayer and support. I'm still able to go to Ecuador from March 22 to April 6th (they extended the dates), but I still need some finances. I can't thank all who've donated and prayed enough! You all are amazing and you're support was not in vain! I believe that God has STRATEGICALLY placed me on this trip and that He's going to really call out my identity and giftings while in Ecuador. I feel like God's going to push me beyond what I thought I could do and show me how He can use me, even when I feel like I'm ill-equipped. He can use anyone for His glory! Isn't that amazing?!? I also feel like Ecuador is on the verge of a serious shift and breakthrough and I would sooooo love to be a part of it! But there's only one thing that's holding me back, my financial situation. I did have a $1,100 payment that was due last Tuesday. I did receive about $400 of it (PRAISE GOD! And thanks to all who donated! Seriously, you're amazing! And I pray God will bless you 100-fold for what you've given me!) but I still need about $510. Now BSSM has given me a grace period to get it together but that period ends TOMORROW BY THE END OF THE DAY (That's February 1st!!). 


So if you all could continue to pray for me and/or support me financially that'd be amazing! I know God has placed me on this trip for a reason and His love will be made known to the people of Ecuador! It's going to be life-transforming! I truly believe that! 


If you'd like to partner with me on this, feel free to lift me and my team up in prayer. Also, if you'd like to support me and my team as we go to Ecuador, you can do so online at:
 https://www.ibssm.org/?action=donate&target=missions&student_id=213752 
All donations are TAX-DEDUCTIBLE and you will receive a statement at the end of the year for your tax records. If you wish to donate anonymously, just check the anonymous box. This will allow you to receive an end of the year statement, but will not allow me to see your name! You can also send a check payable to Bethel Church and can be sent to:
Bethel International
915 Twin View Blvd.
Redding, CA 96003
Don't forget to include a note designating that it's for my mission trip!

So there you have it folks. God is still working on me and doing an amazingly deep work on my heart so that I can go to the nations someday. Thanks everyone for believing in me when I sometimes doubt who I am and for being patient as God does His thing. And again, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to all who have prayed/continue to pray for me and may have supported me financially! Every bit goes a long way! Even if it's only $5, it still is a HUGE blessing for me! I love you all so much! 

Well, I'm off to rest up and then do some homework!

God Bless,

~Jess~

Called to Intercede

So on Sunday a lady told me that I'm an intercessor and I found out today what that means. But before that, I'll just say what's happened this past week. Most of the students were sick with the cold, flu, and swine flu so most of the school days last week were cancelled. But then we got to have school by Kris Valloton on Friday. That was amazing. He had so much to speak and there was so much to take in. I feel so blessed at the privilege I had to have him speak into my life! It was so good! Then later that day, we got to hear him again at a church and the message was amazing again. He revealed an interesting fact to me, what you envision, you become. Meaning that if I have a fear of becoming just like "so and so" who really hurt me or I tell myself that I won't become that, if I focus on that, I do end up becoming that. For instance, like child molesters were once molested as children themselves (in most cases). Or like how a son is emotionally abused by his father and he vows never to be like his dad but then since he focuses on that "fear" or "vow" of not becoming like his dad, he becomes like his dad later on because he "idolized" the fear/vow thingy and became something he swore he wasn't going to become. So we need to stop focusing on our fears. This rings true for me. I remember at Honor Academy I kept praying to God that I wouldn't lose sight of Him and that I wouldn't fall away and I had that fear. And since I held on to that fear and focused on it instead of God, I lost sight of God and rebelled against Him for a year (the time I was in Colorado). Let go of your fears. Give them to God and then forget about them because fear hinders our faith. I've also been reading "When Heaven Invades Earth" by Bill Johnson (which I suggest you should all read as well). He says in there how our unbelief and doubt "pushes" the supernatural away. If we have doubt that God can't heal someone, then He probably won't. It takes faith to access the Kingdom of God and to call it down for miracles. If you have any unbelief or doubt, get rid of it and ask God for more faith! Also another thing that Kris mentioned: If you believe you are a sinner, you will remain a sinner. But if you believe that you have been redeemed, then you are redeemed. Also, if you put a pauper in a palace, he'll make a prison. If you put a prince in a prison, he'll make it a palace. Which will you be (as a Christian)?

So moving on to today. We had worship and it was a little difficult for me for some odd reason. I must have been tired (we have worship everyday to start out the school day at 10:15-11:15am). After that I just soaked up everything that the teachers had to say. It was after school that things started to get interesting. One of the guys in my class, Nathan, invited anyone to have prophetic prayer after school for a half hour. It was just three of us sadly. What we did was for the first 5 minutes, we invited the Holy Spirit to speak to us about His heart and what He wants us to pray for. After entering into His Presence, we began to pray passionately for all kinds of things. Most of the things were focused on the students in my class and also to the surrounding area (for revival). I had so many passionate, emotional things spoken through me and I had no idea where this came from. I remember getting passionate towards: Deep revelation, unity/community, against the spirit of suicide (it's big in this area), speaking destiny into people, speaking life, and declaring all kinds of other things. It was so awesome to see how God used me to be a warrior (and boy did I feel like one!). Nathan prayed over me in the end and said that I'm powerful. He also imparted to me all that was imparted to him (which is exactly what I wanted and God answered my prayer! The more I receive, the better! I can't get enough of the things of God!). God has been drastically accelerating more of the prophetic in me and it's so awesome! I love God! He is so good and His love for me overwhelms me more and more every day! I love growing closer and closer to the ultimate Lover!

Random notes: I learned how to french braid my hair and practiced it in class for the first time today and it worked! Yay for French braiding your hair! Also, I've had so many people pour into me and my piano playing. I'm finally learning how to read sheet music and am growing fast in musical talent (which makes me very happy-most of you remember that I always wanted to learn how to play piano and that dream is finally being realized now! Yay!). I got to hang out at the guys' house for a while as I waited for a ride (long story) after school and got to play Halo 3. That made my day for sure! I love my classmates! They are all so flipping awesome!

I cannot express how grateful I am to God for allowing me to go on this journey, to be in California, for the amazing students and teachers He's placed in my life, and for the Holy Spirit. I long to just go deeper and deeper into His heart everyday! That's my goal for the rest of my life! Ha ha!

The Adventure Begins!

So this is my first blog. It's a little delayed but I hope to catch you all up on what's been going on. I'm in Fortuna, California and life is so wonderful here! I feel so blessed at the fact that I have not seen snow yet compared to my home. I'm sure that I'll be missing the snow here pretty soon but we'll see how that goes. Bethel School of Supernatural Discipleship has been so amazing to me. We recently had Wesley Campbell, Karen Sprenger, and Kris Valloton come to our school and teach on some amazing stuff that gave me huge revelation. Ever since I've been here, I've had so much revelation into the heart and love of God. Did you know that God is funny? Did you know that He loves you deeply? Did you know that He longs to have a relationship with you that goes beyond your wildest dreams? Did you know He wants to bless you like crazy and give you the desires of your heart? Did you know you can go visit Heaven whenever you want? Did you know that we can access the kingdom and the supernatural at hand and the fact that it's right here and not far away? Did you know that God is calling us to do the impossible (with help from Him of course!)? I've come to realize these things and so much more.

It has been said several times over this small group of students (about 25-30 people) that we are in an accelerated time period. Meaning, something that took someone years to learn will only take us a few months to learn. I can definitely agree with this in the fact that God is doing that to me now. He's shown me so many things and has given me courage to do the things He's calling me to do. I am called to lay hands on the sick and heal them. I am called to preach the good news and have lives transformed by it. I am called to cast out demons and have authority over them. We as Christians hear the "Great Commission" but do we really get it? Jesus has given us authority! We need to rely on that authority to see this world changed!

Besides learning so much everyday, I've come to believe that I am His daughter and His princess and that I don't have to earn His love....He gives it freely! I feel so blessed in knowing that the Creator of the Universe longs to call me His daughter and yearns to hear from me that He's my Father. It's so awesome to be a child of God in this time! God is in a Good Mood guys!!! Oh man I could go on and on with what God is doing but there's soooo much! It seems the favorite motto for all speakers and churches down here is "On Earth as it is in Heaven." It's now my favorite quote (from the Bible) as well!

So I know I'm being pretty sporadic with my thoughts at the moment but there's so much I need to tell and it seems like not enough space in this little blog. I got to pray over people tonight at a church service. You see, God has been really opening up the Prophetic in me (did you know that if you have a desire for the prophetic, just ask and God will open that up to you?!?). I'm able to speak encouragement into lives of my fellow students and pretty soon, into strangers and "pre-Christians."

So another thing I forgot to mention is the fact that God is definitely preparing Humboldt County for a massive invasion of Him! He's coming and He's bringing a humongous revival to this area that's going to spread like fire around the world. I can honestly say that I do feel revival coming (very strongly about it too). It's coming and God's waiting for the perfect moment to burst forth into the world from here. It's been spoken over all of us (the students) that we are going to be catalysts to this movement and we are going to be the revivalists!!! That's some pretty deep stuff because when we all first came here, we thought this was a mistake and that we were the "rejects" from Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry (since most of us applied there first and were "suggested" to here.....that was totally God by the way). It's also been said that Redding, California can't have it's breakthrough until the breakthrough has happened here, on the coast! It's crazy to think that because Redding is pretty passionate and crazy for God right now and they are having some amazing testimonies coming from that place, but they can't have their complete breakthrough till we have ours! Wow! It's crazy how God really does "equip the called" and not the other way around!

So anyway, about tonight, we had a service speaking on healing and then some students got to go up front and pray over other people and anoint them with oils. I must admit that I was scared! I didn't prophecy over anyone and I don't think healing came through for me and the people I prayed over (unless if they are happening now) but it was still a stretching point for me. God has called me to be a leader and not a follower and that means I could be leading thousands or just one person. Either way, I'm still a leader and I'm starting to accept that now.

I think this is all I'm going to write for now. I hope to post some words I had spoken over me, up soon! I'll try my best to keep up with the happenings of Fortuna, California as much as I can! Until next time, may God bless you in all that you do! Because He loves you, ya know?
*Jess*