Ok well, let me catch you up on the title. All my life, I've had to deal with some really tough heartaches. I went through a break up with a guy which was a serious relationship-I felt like my heart ripped. I've been through trust being abused and betrayal from friends- that hurts too, but in a different way. I've even lost some pets in my lifetime and I remember that really hurts. The only thing I could describe as being the GREATEST heartache of all of these, would be a death of a loved one.
A couple weeks ago, I was in class and I had my phone on silent so I could focus. Now normally I would check my phone on break but that day I didn't for some odd reason. I was sitting in class when one of the school's staff members came to find me....and that was weird enough because she didn't know me and I didn't know her. She told me that my aunt called the school and that I need to call my dad ASAP. I was confused and began to get concerned....little did I know that my confusion would turn into out-right fear and despair. I checked my phone to see that there were 6 missed calls, 4 new voice mails, and about 4 texts saying call my dad. I tried but he didn't answer so I started to check my voice mail. I could hear that my dad's voice was thick with fear and sadness with ambulance sirens blaring in the background. I finally got a hold of him to find out that my dearest mother has had a second stroke, but this time it was more severe and serious. She ended up having a massive hemorrhagic stroke that left her brain dead instantly and the doctor's said it was medically inoperable (it would do more damage going in to try and fix things). I didn't find out most of the details until I was back in Minnesota.
Now as my dad said this, my worst nightmare was realized. Here I was, stuck in California, while my mom was on life support in Fargo, North Dakota. I have no money and no way of getting home. Luckily, some people from my school stepped up and helped me book the cheapest flight we could find (thank God they were there, I couldn't think or even function at that moment) and my brother lent me his credit card to pay for it. I was able to get home the next day and to see my mom and the way she was absolutely killed me.
Here I am, going to a supernatural ministry school, believing that God still works miracles today, and that He could even raise my mother from the dead (even brain dead) if He wanted to. I went home full of faith, truly believing that a miracle was going to happen and that all of my family would realize that God is real and that God is good and would glorify Him. I was praying this the whole way home on my flights. I had tons of support with prayer as well through the people at this amazing school so I knew that something was going to happen.
All that to say, I had a moment alone to pray with her and to talk to her. Many people have told me that even though people may be in a coma, or even brain dead, they could still hear us and to talk to them as if they were awake. I did just that. My mom was unresponsive the whole time but I just said whatever came to mind. When my mom was alive, she loved to hear me sing but me being a daughter, I was always embarrassed to have her hear me sing and hated it when she commented on my voice. It's weird, I know. But in that moment of holding her hand and speaking to her, I didn't care. I sang three songs for her as best as I could (without choking up). And since I'm not sure if she believed in Jesus or not, I told her that Jesus loves her and that His arms are open to her and kept telling her to say yes to Him because all He has is love for her.
Later that day, we took her off life support and watched the monitors as my beautiful mother slowly faded away (it was about 20-30 minutes later). The whole time I was watching, I was fighting. I would not stop praying and I wasn't ready to give up this fight. I was praying to myself but kept telling God that now is His chance to be glorified by my family. Now He could come in and save the day. I kept declaring scriptures and kept speaking life back into mom. But once that monitor showed that her heart stopped and that she was officially "gone," that's when I broke down and cried and cried and cried.
You know, we may never understand why things happen the way they do but it's extremely crucial that we still turn to God in our hurt. I refuse to blame God or run from Him but I learned over the years that I'm in a better state if I run to Him. He has been my consistent strength and comfort my whole life so why would I blame Him or run from Him now? I can honestly say that through all of this, I still love God and still trust Him.
The main question that plays through my head everyday is "Why?" Why her? Why now? Why so soon? Why did she have to go like that? The other question that plaques me is "Where is she now?" As a Christian, I'm a firm believer that after we die, we either go to Heaven (by choosing Jesus, by choosing LOVE) or to Hell (by rejecting Jesus and His LOVE). I'm so torn by this thought. I know I'll be ok as long as I know she's with God now. But is she? Did my prayers count? Did what I say to her matter in God's eyes? Did I say the right things? Did I even say enough? All of these questions torment me on a daily basis and honestly, I may never know the answer until the day I die when God shows me (or if I see her waiting for me in Heaven).
Throughout this whole thing, I've had a wake up call to life. I don't want Hell for my family, or for anyone for that matter. We all have that choice. Jesus didn't die for you so that you could be controlled and to have all your joy and freedom taken away. He died for the opposite! He came so that you could be set free and to live life abundantly. He only has OVERWHELMING LOVE for you and longs for you to spend eternity with Him in paradise. He's not a wrathful, angry God. God put all of His wrath on Jesus when He died on the cross for you. All your sins (which sin separates you from God, FROM LOVE) were placed on Jesus. He took all the sins of the world upon Himself so that if we believe in Him, we would be set free and would be able to have eternity (and even this life now) with God. You see, I've learned that it's NOT about religion. In fact, (a lot of you will hate this) I hate religion. It's a man-made system that's filled with traditions and filled with control that keeps you from being yourself. I'm not bashing any religion in general. It's just "religion" itself. What I've learned is that it's not "religion" (how many good works you do for God to "earn" your way into heaven) but it's relationship. God so LOVED the world that He sent HIS SON (who would do that?!?) to die for us. He loves us so much that He wants us to know Him and to know what His love is like.
Anyway, I could go on and on about how amazing God is and how His love is real. Give Him that chance and I promise you He will reveal Himself and His love for you. It goes beyond what we can even think or understand. So I can still honestly say through all of this that God is good. That He knows what He's doing (even when I don't).
I pray that NONE of you will EVER have to go through what I've been through but unfortunately, death is inevitable. I just pray it's LATER than SOONER for you.
Coming back to California was hard. Probably the hardest flight I've ever taken. I didn't want to leave my family but I know my mom wouldn't want me to give up my dreams because of this. So I'm going to continue to go after them. And coming back to this school has helped a lot in the grieving process. Everyone has been so welcoming and so understanding and they all hold me as I cry or are always there whenever I need them. The best part of coming back is the prayer support I have. I love how soooo many people (both here and in Minnesota) have been a huge support for me and my family. And to all of you reading this that have prayed or continue to pray for my family and I, I cannot thank you enough! Whether you gave money, food, support, flowers, or prayer, it all mattered to us and we are so grateful!
It's going to be a hard year for me and my family but I know we are never alone! There's always going to be someone that comes in and just loves on us, even in our "darkest hour." And for that I'm grateful as well!
Anyway, I know I'm all over the place. I've been really scatter-brained from this traumatic event and from all the traveling. But I'm glad I can ramble and rant. Because now is the perfect time to let it all out. And thank you for taking the time to read this and to hear my heart. It means a lot to me as well to have a listening ear (or eye??).
I ask that you all continue to pray for me and my family. I do lift up a prayer request for finances as well. We've come to realize that funerals are extremely expensive and now we may have hospital bills coming our way as well! But hey, God still works miracles in ALL areas so I'm sure He'll come through for us like He always does. I love you all!! God bless!
Holding on to His LOVE,
~Jess~
