*I recently saw that this was in my drafts and I never published it. This is from last October and are just some of my random thoughts. Sorry for the lateness!*
Hey everyone.
Sorry it's been a while since I posted again. The last few months have just flown by! It's crazy how time does that.
Anyway, to update you all on where I'm at. I made the decision to take the year off and continue to work and live here in Humboldt County and save up for 2nd year next year. It was a hard decision to make.
I can't believe it's already been over half a year since my mom past away. The grieving process has been a roller coaster for me. I'll be fine for a couple of weeks and not even think about her and then suddenly, one little thing will sending me over the edge. I recently watched two movies in the past two weeks that have had a scene of the mom dying suddenly and the child grieving. I would start crying myself because I felt like that little girl screaming "I miss my mommy. I want my mommy back." Or the other movie showed the mom having a stroke.....why do they always have to hit so close to home for me? And why do movies lately keep killing off the moms?!
Anyway, sorry about the rant. I recently listened to some sounds that I have recorded on my phone and most of them are hilarious conversations or inside jokes that made me laugh. But then I get to one where it was fourth of July and I was with my family. And we were all happy. You could hear us all laughing at my dad for commentating on the fireworks and we'd crack jokes about each other. I was fine until I heard my mom's laugh.....and then I just broke. It's amazing how you can miss something so simple as a laugh so much.
I've had many people tell me frequently the last few years of how great a mom I'll be someday. I've always had the fear that I wouldn't be a "good enough mom" or that I'd make tons of mistakes.
I feel like lately I've allowed myself to make a lot of stupid decisions. A word of advice for anyone grieving, don't let it cloud your thinking and really guard yourself in those moments. We all have pain and it's what we do with that pain that makes us who we are. Whether that's reaching out to others for help, or drowning the pain away in some sort of addiction or obsession, or filling the void with something else that shouldn't be there. I've realized that no matter how many times I fall, God's always there to quickly pick me up. His love is endless.....and sometimes I forget that. I forget at times that I'm human and I do make mistakes and I'm far from perfect but it's what I do with my weakness that shows my true character. Do I run to God? Or run away from Him in the complete opposite direction? Of all the things I've been through, I've learned time and again that it's so much easier to run to Him. He is always a steady and firm foundation for me. So why do I forget that so easily?
I honestly don't know what the next year holds for me. I still want to go to 2nd year eventually. But I almost feel like there's something else.....and I can't put my finger on it. I've been thinking of going to schools that will pull on my gifts.....like the arts. I'm still up in the air but luckily there's time to figure things out. And I'll for sure let you know on where I decide to go next on my journey. Because life's an adventure, right? And it does come with plenty of speed bumps and obstacles but that doesn't mean you stop! Keep going because the road will take us to our destiny.
I think I need a shift in my thinking and in my perspective. I need to stop thinking so negatively and really find the joys in life that I used to love. It's easy to let confusion, doubt, fear, and worry in but I'd rather be a genuinely happy person. Life is so much easier with joy. Life is so much easier with God. I'm preaching to the choir....but seriously He is the one and only thing that has remained constant through out everything life has thrown at me. I can't explain it but He really is a great God and such a loving Father. His love never fails....time and again His love will never fail. And even when I think I totally ruined His plans for me, He quickly reminds me that I'm His little girl and that He always will have a plan for me and He's quick to remind me the dreams He has dreamed for me or of the promises He has spoken to me my whole life. I still have a purpose. I still have a future (an amazing one at that!). I still have His love. No matter how far I think I've run from Him, He is always there loving on me in a way that no person can ever love on me. A love that runs deeper than the ocean, a love that goes higher than space itself, a love that can move mountains, a love that will NEVER FAIL. I can't even fathom how such a wonderful God would still love me in the midst of my mess and call me Beloved. What a beautiful God I live for!
*End for October Update. I'll post something new here soon!*
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Back to the Roots with a Faithful God
Hello world.
Greetings from Eureka, California! That's right, HUMBOLDT COUNTY! I'm sitting outside at a house that's on a hill and at the bottom of the hill is the ocean. I can hear the distant rumble of the waves pounding on the shore. The clouds are covering the sky (I love cloudy days) and there's a cool mist with the smell of sea water in the air. This is definitely a break from the heat of Redding as I sit outside on this 60 degree day with a hot cup of tea, with my slippers and favorite hoodie on. I love this weather.
I made the decision to move back to Eureka, California suddenly a couple of weeks ago. I lived in Humboldt County before (when I attended BSSD back in 2009) and loved it and have been homesick for it the past couple of years.
So as I was furiously job hunting in Redding (and getting more and more frustrated by all the closed doors), my beautiful friend had the brilliant idea of calling and seeing if my old theater job (which I was also really missing) would take me back and if the wonderful people I stayed with before could potentially house me again. I was hesitant at first because I was so set on staying in Redding for the summer (and suffering through the heat) and because I was looking into doing 2nd Year this fall (which is still up in the air because of finances) that I didn't want to pack up all my stuff and move again (because everyone knows that moving is such a pain sometimes). But I called to check anyway and to my excitement, both the theater and the Kooy's were willing to take me back! I was so excited! It was also a breathe of fresh air realizing that I would have a job again, a wonderful house to live in, and be living in the place that is a home away from home for me.
Humboldt County always holds a dear place in my heart because of what happened here for me. I came to this county 3 years ago by faith. I drove for three days across country by myself (I never do that, to this day it's still the bravest thing I've ever done) to leave my dear family, friends, and state behind to arrive into unknown territory where I would know no one. It was a scary but very exciting time for me.
As I sit and reflect, I can honestly say that this place was where "my roots grew deep." This was the place that God faithfully and safely brought me to be nurtured, loved, and to reveal so many of His truths to me. My mindsets were completely transformed and my perspective on life had a dramatic shift because of all that I was learning in BSSD. For the first time in my life, I felt, sensed, and knew God's love for me.
As well as being an extremely revelatory place for me to encounter God's heart, I also fell in love with nature here. The ocean, ah my beautiful ocean, is here. The majestic Redwood trees are here. My amazing theater job is here. And to top it all off, all the amazing people that poured into my life when I first arrived, are still here! (And I was able to experience my first earthquake....that was a crazy day).
Even though I was heartbroken to leave all the new friends I've made in Redding behind, I was definitely looking forward to the change of scenery. I gotta admit, I almost cried as I drove away. It seems everywhere I go to live literally becomes another mini "home" for me because of the relationships I build and because of the scenery that I fall in love with. I now have "homes" in Minnesota; Estes Park, Colorado; Eureka/Fortuna, California; Etna, California; and now Redding, California.
I cannot even begin to tell you how faithful God has been in my life and how He has accomplished so many of my dreams (and surprised me by doing so). God is so faithful you guys, He really is. And He will prove His faithfulness to you if you give Him that chance.
In my past blog updates, you can see how God came through and surprised me by accomplishing my dreams. Here are a few: I got to go on a road trip to California (I've wanted to do that since I was 16). I experienced Nascar (a dream of mine since "Cars"). I got to walk down the "Strip" at Las Vegas. I got to go play around in New York City for a couple of weeks. I had the most amazing opportunity to go on a mission trip to the Bahamas. I got to ride a horse on the beach. I've had amazing people come in to my life to teach me how to play piano for free (always been my desire since I was a child). God provided me a very cheap car when I didn't realize how much I needed one. God opened the doors for me to get my dream jobs everywhere I've gone (besides Redding). God provided a way for me to attend my "dream school." The list goes on and on.
As hard as it was, the best decision I've ever made was leaving home (my original home: Minnesota). If I would have never left, I never would have met the people that I met, lived where I got to live, and experience the most amazing opportunities in life (you can't do many of those in a small town).
Anyway, there I go again reflecting on life. It's good to do that every now and then. Now as for the present, the plan is that I'll live here for the summer to work like crazy. As the fall draws near, I'll see where I'm at financially and then decide if I should stay and continue to work for the next year, or to move back to Redding to go to 2nd Year. We'll see. But I'll keep you posted.
I need to mention one other thing real quick. I read a quote somewhere recently that "you will never truly understand something until it actually happens to you." I can say that I've experienced a lot in life that gives me understanding into what others may be going through. I understand a break-up heartache, I understand stubbing your toe, I understand what it's like to live by faith, and I understand what it's like to experience a death of a loved one.
I have a dear friend here in Eureka who is younger than me but lost her mom to a brain tumor (or cancer) a month after my mom passed away. It is such a great feeling (even in the midst of death) to know that there is someone literally experiencing exactly what I'm going through right now. I know that we'll definitely be pulling on each other because we know what the other is going through. I'll be working with her again (I'm so excited she's still here) so it's going to be a wonderful healing process for both of us....as crazy as that sounds.
Of course I'm still grieving as well, that's a given. I still miss my mom tremendously everyday and sometimes I just have to break down (but Jesus is always here, holding me, I do know that). It's good to cry (and healthy too apparently) so there's no shame in crying every now and then (or often). All I know is that it's hard at times but I know I'll be ok in the end because God promises that "it'll all be ok." I also love how God calls me blessed in this time: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." -Matthew 5:4 I truly believe that He comforts me everyday in ways that I can't even fathom sometimes. What an amazing God I live for!
And on my final note, it's a gift to get to experience life with others. In your busy day today, take a moment to let your love out. Love on your family, love on your friends, connect with a distant heart that you haven't spoken to in a long time. Life is not life if we don't have relationships and if we are alone. If you are alone today, open up your heart and reach out to those around you. And if you have no one around you, reach out to God. He's always there for you. Jesus promises that He is with us always! Trust in His Presence, you can't go wrong with Him!
Anyway, sorry for a long blog. It just feels good to just open my heart and let it all out...even if no one reads this, it still feels good to share my thoughts.
So there's my exciting update on this moment in my life. Let me know how your moment in life is! I'd love to hear! :D
I'll be here, continuing to enjoy this gift of life that's been given to me!
Much Love,
~Jess~
Greetings from Eureka, California! That's right, HUMBOLDT COUNTY! I'm sitting outside at a house that's on a hill and at the bottom of the hill is the ocean. I can hear the distant rumble of the waves pounding on the shore. The clouds are covering the sky (I love cloudy days) and there's a cool mist with the smell of sea water in the air. This is definitely a break from the heat of Redding as I sit outside on this 60 degree day with a hot cup of tea, with my slippers and favorite hoodie on. I love this weather.
I made the decision to move back to Eureka, California suddenly a couple of weeks ago. I lived in Humboldt County before (when I attended BSSD back in 2009) and loved it and have been homesick for it the past couple of years.
So as I was furiously job hunting in Redding (and getting more and more frustrated by all the closed doors), my beautiful friend had the brilliant idea of calling and seeing if my old theater job (which I was also really missing) would take me back and if the wonderful people I stayed with before could potentially house me again. I was hesitant at first because I was so set on staying in Redding for the summer (and suffering through the heat) and because I was looking into doing 2nd Year this fall (which is still up in the air because of finances) that I didn't want to pack up all my stuff and move again (because everyone knows that moving is such a pain sometimes). But I called to check anyway and to my excitement, both the theater and the Kooy's were willing to take me back! I was so excited! It was also a breathe of fresh air realizing that I would have a job again, a wonderful house to live in, and be living in the place that is a home away from home for me.
Humboldt County always holds a dear place in my heart because of what happened here for me. I came to this county 3 years ago by faith. I drove for three days across country by myself (I never do that, to this day it's still the bravest thing I've ever done) to leave my dear family, friends, and state behind to arrive into unknown territory where I would know no one. It was a scary but very exciting time for me.
As I sit and reflect, I can honestly say that this place was where "my roots grew deep." This was the place that God faithfully and safely brought me to be nurtured, loved, and to reveal so many of His truths to me. My mindsets were completely transformed and my perspective on life had a dramatic shift because of all that I was learning in BSSD. For the first time in my life, I felt, sensed, and knew God's love for me.
As well as being an extremely revelatory place for me to encounter God's heart, I also fell in love with nature here. The ocean, ah my beautiful ocean, is here. The majestic Redwood trees are here. My amazing theater job is here. And to top it all off, all the amazing people that poured into my life when I first arrived, are still here! (And I was able to experience my first earthquake....that was a crazy day).
Even though I was heartbroken to leave all the new friends I've made in Redding behind, I was definitely looking forward to the change of scenery. I gotta admit, I almost cried as I drove away. It seems everywhere I go to live literally becomes another mini "home" for me because of the relationships I build and because of the scenery that I fall in love with. I now have "homes" in Minnesota; Estes Park, Colorado; Eureka/Fortuna, California; Etna, California; and now Redding, California.
I cannot even begin to tell you how faithful God has been in my life and how He has accomplished so many of my dreams (and surprised me by doing so). God is so faithful you guys, He really is. And He will prove His faithfulness to you if you give Him that chance.
In my past blog updates, you can see how God came through and surprised me by accomplishing my dreams. Here are a few: I got to go on a road trip to California (I've wanted to do that since I was 16). I experienced Nascar (a dream of mine since "Cars"). I got to walk down the "Strip" at Las Vegas. I got to go play around in New York City for a couple of weeks. I had the most amazing opportunity to go on a mission trip to the Bahamas. I got to ride a horse on the beach. I've had amazing people come in to my life to teach me how to play piano for free (always been my desire since I was a child). God provided me a very cheap car when I didn't realize how much I needed one. God opened the doors for me to get my dream jobs everywhere I've gone (besides Redding). God provided a way for me to attend my "dream school." The list goes on and on.
As hard as it was, the best decision I've ever made was leaving home (my original home: Minnesota). If I would have never left, I never would have met the people that I met, lived where I got to live, and experience the most amazing opportunities in life (you can't do many of those in a small town).
Anyway, there I go again reflecting on life. It's good to do that every now and then. Now as for the present, the plan is that I'll live here for the summer to work like crazy. As the fall draws near, I'll see where I'm at financially and then decide if I should stay and continue to work for the next year, or to move back to Redding to go to 2nd Year. We'll see. But I'll keep you posted.
I need to mention one other thing real quick. I read a quote somewhere recently that "you will never truly understand something until it actually happens to you." I can say that I've experienced a lot in life that gives me understanding into what others may be going through. I understand a break-up heartache, I understand stubbing your toe, I understand what it's like to live by faith, and I understand what it's like to experience a death of a loved one.
I have a dear friend here in Eureka who is younger than me but lost her mom to a brain tumor (or cancer) a month after my mom passed away. It is such a great feeling (even in the midst of death) to know that there is someone literally experiencing exactly what I'm going through right now. I know that we'll definitely be pulling on each other because we know what the other is going through. I'll be working with her again (I'm so excited she's still here) so it's going to be a wonderful healing process for both of us....as crazy as that sounds.
Of course I'm still grieving as well, that's a given. I still miss my mom tremendously everyday and sometimes I just have to break down (but Jesus is always here, holding me, I do know that). It's good to cry (and healthy too apparently) so there's no shame in crying every now and then (or often). All I know is that it's hard at times but I know I'll be ok in the end because God promises that "it'll all be ok." I also love how God calls me blessed in this time: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." -Matthew 5:4 I truly believe that He comforts me everyday in ways that I can't even fathom sometimes. What an amazing God I live for!
And on my final note, it's a gift to get to experience life with others. In your busy day today, take a moment to let your love out. Love on your family, love on your friends, connect with a distant heart that you haven't spoken to in a long time. Life is not life if we don't have relationships and if we are alone. If you are alone today, open up your heart and reach out to those around you. And if you have no one around you, reach out to God. He's always there for you. Jesus promises that He is with us always! Trust in His Presence, you can't go wrong with Him!
Anyway, sorry for a long blog. It just feels good to just open my heart and let it all out...even if no one reads this, it still feels good to share my thoughts.
So there's my exciting update on this moment in my life. Let me know how your moment in life is! I'd love to hear! :D
I'll be here, continuing to enjoy this gift of life that's been given to me!
Much Love,
~Jess~
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Happy Mother's Day.....Or So They Say
Here it is, the day I've been dreading has finally come and smacked me full force in my heart. The painful reality that I won't be able to ever TRULY celebrate this beautiful holiday for the woman who gave birth to me 23 years ago. A day that used to be filled with laughter and celebration has now turned to pain and many tears. Of course, I'm so grateful and happy for all the mom's out there. At the same time, it's like this day is taking a giant sword and stabbing it through my heart over and over.
Church was rough today. I knew it would be. The leaders took the time to honor and bless all the mom's in the building. All I could do was cry the whole time. Another thing, I received a picture text of my mom's tombstone today. Again, I could only cry. It seems that's the only thing I can do lately. But apparently, that's healthy and normal. But I hate it. I miss my mom.
This should honestly be a time for celebrating in general. A little over a week ago, I turned 23. Honestly, my birthday was ok but if I had to rank it in comparison with all my other birthdays, it was the lowest. It was depressing to not hear my mom's cheerful voice attempting to sing some random birthday jig on my voice mail when I awoke. I miss that so much.
Another thing worth celebrating, my graduation from BSSM 1st Year tomorrow. It's a bittersweet moment for sure! These students and leaders have literally become my family and I'm so grateful for all the time we were able to have together for the last 9 or so months. But now, comes the end where many will go home to later come back in the fall for 2nd Year. Some will not be coming back at all. If you couldn't tell, I really do hate good-byes. These amazing people have been such a strong support in this process. I'd hate to go back to nothing. By the way, if you'd like to tune into my graduation, you can see a live (free) feed of it here:
http://www.ibethel.tv/watch/1409/bssm-1st-year-graduation/
Or you can watch it later I do believe. There's 915 students (I think) and they go up by alphabetical revival groups. Mine's "Marlene Aaronson" (which will be towards the end) so you can fast forward to that part if you'd like (after it's been recorded).
And the question that's been on my whole family's mind (and mine) is "What's next?" Honestly, I don't know. I really want to do 2nd Year but that requires money that I don't have. But I do know that God is faithful and if this is where He wants me, then He'll totally provide (a job, a new car, tuition, mission trip, etc.). But I really don't know what's going to happen. All I know is that I've been looking for jobs (and will go job hunting even more vigorously now that school's out) and we'll see from there. I may have to move depending on if I can get a job here or not. We'll see.
On another note, I've been meaning to write about my mission trip but things have been so chaotic for me the last 2 months.....if you couldn't already tell. I will write about it for sure in my next blog for you though.
This next part of my blog I wrote a month ago and just haven't gotten around to posting it so I decided to clip it on this one:
So here I am, stuck in the middle of one of life's greatest challenges. I'm taking that one step that will bring me toward a new day. Each day brings a new chance at choosing hope, choosing love. It seems that everyday brings new challenges and obstacles, but in the end, will we be able to look back and say that we overcame? That we were able to make victories out of all the challenges in life? So then how would victory look in the face of death? Is it victorious? Is there a sliver of light in the midst of all the darkness? Is there hope for a new and better day?
It seems that all I have left is hope. I'm holding on to LOVE with my whole being. Everyday I have to stop and take a deep breath and realize that life goes on. Everyday the question comes, "Will things ever be normal?" Well then, what is normal? Is normal the perspective of the life we are so used to living? Does normal ever change? In my case, it does. My version of normal has been dramatically transformed. After my mom passed away, it feels like nothing could ever be normal again. So does that mean I make a new "normal" out of life? Of course it does. So then, what does the new normal look like?
Throughout this grieving process, the only person I know I could turn to for strength is Jesus. He has forever been my rock and solid ground when it feels like my ground has been put through the mightiest of earthquakes. He has been my anchor of hope and faith when the strongest of storms tries to tear my ship apart. He has been my consistent comfort as I cry with all that I am. He has been my mighty fortress and strong tower when the fear fires it's fiery darts at me. I'm so thankful that I have such a loving God that has been with me as I walk through this process.
My favorite poem is "Footprints in the Sand" by Mary Stevenson:
One night I had a dream.
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."
This poem has been made reality to me so many times in life, especially now. I really do believe that God is carrying me through this time because I don't have the strength on my own. I feel like I'm at my most broken and shattered point I could ever be at.
Looking back now, I can totally see God's hand in all of this, as crazy as that sounds. I'm extremely grateful that my mom wasn't alone or driving when she had the stroke. She was working at her job and it sounded like she was laughing and having a great time. I'm grateful that I was able to go home and see her before she passed away. I'm grateful that it happened while I'm attending BSSM because so many people have come beside me to support me and love on me as I mourn. Most have cried with me actually. I realize that if she passed away during the summer or after I went on to something else, I wouldn't have this amazing chain of support and love that I have here at the school. I'm grateful that the last conversation I had with her was a longer than usual one. Even though we were both busy, we were able to take a moment to "catch up" on everything. So you can imagine that this stroke came as a complete shock to me since she sounded "just fine" a week before she passed. I'm grateful that this didn't happen while I was a teenager or younger; I KNOW I would not be handling it the way I'm handling it now. Of course I'm extremely sad that she parted so soon. And the thought of her not being here for my future birthdays, for holidays, for my wedding day or even coaching me on giving birth to my kids, absolutely tears me apart inside. And of course, everyone keeps telling me that "she's in a better place," and that "she's watching over me." But it's not the same to have someone watching your life from afar and not being a physical participant in life with you.
It's funny how the grieving process works. You can continue on with your life and completely forget what just happened. Your mind seems to have amnesia. You can feel deep down that something terrible's happened but your mind never clicks and tells you that you just lost someone. My whole life, when I would go through something hard or painful, my mom would be the first person I always called for encouragement and a kind word. She was always good at reminding me of my dreams and that "it's all going to be ok." She was the most optimistic person I know. So even now, I know something bad has happened but I can't comprehend it, until I get the urge to call her and tell her about it, and that's when it hits me. I can't call her. I can never hear her voice again. I can never feel her strong encouragement and support. I hate these horrible moments when the realization sets in and it feels like it's the end of the world all of a sudden. I hate how I'm triggered by the smallest of things. I was driving in my car the other day and put in a CD. Well, I've forgotten that the CD I was listening to was the one I listened to when my mom helped me move from Colorado to Minnesota. Again, I broke.
Looking back now, I can totally see God's hand in all of this, as crazy as that sounds. I'm extremely grateful that my mom wasn't alone or driving when she had the stroke. She was working at her job and it sounded like she was laughing and having a great time. I'm grateful that I was able to go home and see her before she passed away. I'm grateful that it happened while I'm attending BSSM because so many people have come beside me to support me and love on me as I mourn. Most have cried with me actually. I realize that if she passed away during the summer or after I went on to something else, I wouldn't have this amazing chain of support and love that I have here at the school. I'm grateful that the last conversation I had with her was a longer than usual one. Even though we were both busy, we were able to take a moment to "catch up" on everything. So you can imagine that this stroke came as a complete shock to me since she sounded "just fine" a week before she passed. I'm grateful that this didn't happen while I was a teenager or younger; I KNOW I would not be handling it the way I'm handling it now. Of course I'm extremely sad that she parted so soon. And the thought of her not being here for my future birthdays, for holidays, for my wedding day or even coaching me on giving birth to my kids, absolutely tears me apart inside. And of course, everyone keeps telling me that "she's in a better place," and that "she's watching over me." But it's not the same to have someone watching your life from afar and not being a physical participant in life with you.
It's funny how the grieving process works. You can continue on with your life and completely forget what just happened. Your mind seems to have amnesia. You can feel deep down that something terrible's happened but your mind never clicks and tells you that you just lost someone. My whole life, when I would go through something hard or painful, my mom would be the first person I always called for encouragement and a kind word. She was always good at reminding me of my dreams and that "it's all going to be ok." She was the most optimistic person I know. So even now, I know something bad has happened but I can't comprehend it, until I get the urge to call her and tell her about it, and that's when it hits me. I can't call her. I can never hear her voice again. I can never feel her strong encouragement and support. I hate these horrible moments when the realization sets in and it feels like it's the end of the world all of a sudden. I hate how I'm triggered by the smallest of things. I was driving in my car the other day and put in a CD. Well, I've forgotten that the CD I was listening to was the one I listened to when my mom helped me move from Colorado to Minnesota. Again, I broke.
But yet, through all of this, I'm reminded of how precious life really is and how valuable each and every single person on this planet is. I'm reminded everyday to slow down and take the time to connect with people. To not isolate myself and get lost in my own world, but to go out and allow people into my heart.
So all in all, I still believe that God will still work this out for good and that my family will experience His LOVE for them. All I have now is to let go and let GOD.
So there you have it folks. Make sure you really love on the people in your life today. Especially your mom. She's a huge blessing and you won't realize how much you really do need and love her until she's gone. Or maybe that was just my case. Anyway, take the time to really say the heart-felt things to her (and your dad, siblings, and the rest of your family while you're at it). Life is such a precious thing. Don't waste it.
I'll be here, continuing to climb this giant mountain before me.
Much Love,
~Jess~
Thursday, March 15, 2012
The Greatest Heartache of All
So folks, here it is again. A really delayed entry. I don't know why this is so hard for me to sit down for a few minutes and just type away what my recent revelations or thoughts have been. Or even what I'm learning in school.
Ok well, let me catch you up on the title. All my life, I've had to deal with some really tough heartaches. I went through a break up with a guy which was a serious relationship-I felt like my heart ripped. I've been through trust being abused and betrayal from friends- that hurts too, but in a different way. I've even lost some pets in my lifetime and I remember that really hurts. The only thing I could describe as being the GREATEST heartache of all of these, would be a death of a loved one.
A couple weeks ago, I was in class and I had my phone on silent so I could focus. Now normally I would check my phone on break but that day I didn't for some odd reason. I was sitting in class when one of the school's staff members came to find me....and that was weird enough because she didn't know me and I didn't know her. She told me that my aunt called the school and that I need to call my dad ASAP. I was confused and began to get concerned....little did I know that my confusion would turn into out-right fear and despair. I checked my phone to see that there were 6 missed calls, 4 new voice mails, and about 4 texts saying call my dad. I tried but he didn't answer so I started to check my voice mail. I could hear that my dad's voice was thick with fear and sadness with ambulance sirens blaring in the background. I finally got a hold of him to find out that my dearest mother has had a second stroke, but this time it was more severe and serious. She ended up having a massive hemorrhagic stroke that left her brain dead instantly and the doctor's said it was medically inoperable (it would do more damage going in to try and fix things). I didn't find out most of the details until I was back in Minnesota.
Now as my dad said this, my worst nightmare was realized. Here I was, stuck in California, while my mom was on life support in Fargo, North Dakota. I have no money and no way of getting home. Luckily, some people from my school stepped up and helped me book the cheapest flight we could find (thank God they were there, I couldn't think or even function at that moment) and my brother lent me his credit card to pay for it. I was able to get home the next day and to see my mom and the way she was absolutely killed me.
Here I am, going to a supernatural ministry school, believing that God still works miracles today, and that He could even raise my mother from the dead (even brain dead) if He wanted to. I went home full of faith, truly believing that a miracle was going to happen and that all of my family would realize that God is real and that God is good and would glorify Him. I was praying this the whole way home on my flights. I had tons of support with prayer as well through the people at this amazing school so I knew that something was going to happen.
All that to say, I had a moment alone to pray with her and to talk to her. Many people have told me that even though people may be in a coma, or even brain dead, they could still hear us and to talk to them as if they were awake. I did just that. My mom was unresponsive the whole time but I just said whatever came to mind. When my mom was alive, she loved to hear me sing but me being a daughter, I was always embarrassed to have her hear me sing and hated it when she commented on my voice. It's weird, I know. But in that moment of holding her hand and speaking to her, I didn't care. I sang three songs for her as best as I could (without choking up). And since I'm not sure if she believed in Jesus or not, I told her that Jesus loves her and that His arms are open to her and kept telling her to say yes to Him because all He has is love for her.
Later that day, we took her off life support and watched the monitors as my beautiful mother slowly faded away (it was about 20-30 minutes later). The whole time I was watching, I was fighting. I would not stop praying and I wasn't ready to give up this fight. I was praying to myself but kept telling God that now is His chance to be glorified by my family. Now He could come in and save the day. I kept declaring scriptures and kept speaking life back into mom. But once that monitor showed that her heart stopped and that she was officially "gone," that's when I broke down and cried and cried and cried.
You know, we may never understand why things happen the way they do but it's extremely crucial that we still turn to God in our hurt. I refuse to blame God or run from Him but I learned over the years that I'm in a better state if I run to Him. He has been my consistent strength and comfort my whole life so why would I blame Him or run from Him now? I can honestly say that through all of this, I still love God and still trust Him.
The main question that plays through my head everyday is "Why?" Why her? Why now? Why so soon? Why did she have to go like that? The other question that plaques me is "Where is she now?" As a Christian, I'm a firm believer that after we die, we either go to Heaven (by choosing Jesus, by choosing LOVE) or to Hell (by rejecting Jesus and His LOVE). I'm so torn by this thought. I know I'll be ok as long as I know she's with God now. But is she? Did my prayers count? Did what I say to her matter in God's eyes? Did I say the right things? Did I even say enough? All of these questions torment me on a daily basis and honestly, I may never know the answer until the day I die when God shows me (or if I see her waiting for me in Heaven).
Throughout this whole thing, I've had a wake up call to life. I don't want Hell for my family, or for anyone for that matter. We all have that choice. Jesus didn't die for you so that you could be controlled and to have all your joy and freedom taken away. He died for the opposite! He came so that you could be set free and to live life abundantly. He only has OVERWHELMING LOVE for you and longs for you to spend eternity with Him in paradise. He's not a wrathful, angry God. God put all of His wrath on Jesus when He died on the cross for you. All your sins (which sin separates you from God, FROM LOVE) were placed on Jesus. He took all the sins of the world upon Himself so that if we believe in Him, we would be set free and would be able to have eternity (and even this life now) with God. You see, I've learned that it's NOT about religion. In fact, (a lot of you will hate this) I hate religion. It's a man-made system that's filled with traditions and filled with control that keeps you from being yourself. I'm not bashing any religion in general. It's just "religion" itself. What I've learned is that it's not "religion" (how many good works you do for God to "earn" your way into heaven) but it's relationship. God so LOVED the world that He sent HIS SON (who would do that?!?) to die for us. He loves us so much that He wants us to know Him and to know what His love is like.
Anyway, I could go on and on about how amazing God is and how His love is real. Give Him that chance and I promise you He will reveal Himself and His love for you. It goes beyond what we can even think or understand. So I can still honestly say through all of this that God is good. That He knows what He's doing (even when I don't).
I pray that NONE of you will EVER have to go through what I've been through but unfortunately, death is inevitable. I just pray it's LATER than SOONER for you.
Coming back to California was hard. Probably the hardest flight I've ever taken. I didn't want to leave my family but I know my mom wouldn't want me to give up my dreams because of this. So I'm going to continue to go after them. And coming back to this school has helped a lot in the grieving process. Everyone has been so welcoming and so understanding and they all hold me as I cry or are always there whenever I need them. The best part of coming back is the prayer support I have. I love how soooo many people (both here and in Minnesota) have been a huge support for me and my family. And to all of you reading this that have prayed or continue to pray for my family and I, I cannot thank you enough! Whether you gave money, food, support, flowers, or prayer, it all mattered to us and we are so grateful!
It's going to be a hard year for me and my family but I know we are never alone! There's always going to be someone that comes in and just loves on us, even in our "darkest hour." And for that I'm grateful as well!
Anyway, I know I'm all over the place. I've been really scatter-brained from this traumatic event and from all the traveling. But I'm glad I can ramble and rant. Because now is the perfect time to let it all out. And thank you for taking the time to read this and to hear my heart. It means a lot to me as well to have a listening ear (or eye??).
I ask that you all continue to pray for me and my family. I do lift up a prayer request for finances as well. We've come to realize that funerals are extremely expensive and now we may have hospital bills coming our way as well! But hey, God still works miracles in ALL areas so I'm sure He'll come through for us like He always does. I love you all!! God bless!
Holding on to His LOVE,
~Jess~
Ok well, let me catch you up on the title. All my life, I've had to deal with some really tough heartaches. I went through a break up with a guy which was a serious relationship-I felt like my heart ripped. I've been through trust being abused and betrayal from friends- that hurts too, but in a different way. I've even lost some pets in my lifetime and I remember that really hurts. The only thing I could describe as being the GREATEST heartache of all of these, would be a death of a loved one.
A couple weeks ago, I was in class and I had my phone on silent so I could focus. Now normally I would check my phone on break but that day I didn't for some odd reason. I was sitting in class when one of the school's staff members came to find me....and that was weird enough because she didn't know me and I didn't know her. She told me that my aunt called the school and that I need to call my dad ASAP. I was confused and began to get concerned....little did I know that my confusion would turn into out-right fear and despair. I checked my phone to see that there were 6 missed calls, 4 new voice mails, and about 4 texts saying call my dad. I tried but he didn't answer so I started to check my voice mail. I could hear that my dad's voice was thick with fear and sadness with ambulance sirens blaring in the background. I finally got a hold of him to find out that my dearest mother has had a second stroke, but this time it was more severe and serious. She ended up having a massive hemorrhagic stroke that left her brain dead instantly and the doctor's said it was medically inoperable (it would do more damage going in to try and fix things). I didn't find out most of the details until I was back in Minnesota.
Now as my dad said this, my worst nightmare was realized. Here I was, stuck in California, while my mom was on life support in Fargo, North Dakota. I have no money and no way of getting home. Luckily, some people from my school stepped up and helped me book the cheapest flight we could find (thank God they were there, I couldn't think or even function at that moment) and my brother lent me his credit card to pay for it. I was able to get home the next day and to see my mom and the way she was absolutely killed me.
Here I am, going to a supernatural ministry school, believing that God still works miracles today, and that He could even raise my mother from the dead (even brain dead) if He wanted to. I went home full of faith, truly believing that a miracle was going to happen and that all of my family would realize that God is real and that God is good and would glorify Him. I was praying this the whole way home on my flights. I had tons of support with prayer as well through the people at this amazing school so I knew that something was going to happen.
All that to say, I had a moment alone to pray with her and to talk to her. Many people have told me that even though people may be in a coma, or even brain dead, they could still hear us and to talk to them as if they were awake. I did just that. My mom was unresponsive the whole time but I just said whatever came to mind. When my mom was alive, she loved to hear me sing but me being a daughter, I was always embarrassed to have her hear me sing and hated it when she commented on my voice. It's weird, I know. But in that moment of holding her hand and speaking to her, I didn't care. I sang three songs for her as best as I could (without choking up). And since I'm not sure if she believed in Jesus or not, I told her that Jesus loves her and that His arms are open to her and kept telling her to say yes to Him because all He has is love for her.
Later that day, we took her off life support and watched the monitors as my beautiful mother slowly faded away (it was about 20-30 minutes later). The whole time I was watching, I was fighting. I would not stop praying and I wasn't ready to give up this fight. I was praying to myself but kept telling God that now is His chance to be glorified by my family. Now He could come in and save the day. I kept declaring scriptures and kept speaking life back into mom. But once that monitor showed that her heart stopped and that she was officially "gone," that's when I broke down and cried and cried and cried.
You know, we may never understand why things happen the way they do but it's extremely crucial that we still turn to God in our hurt. I refuse to blame God or run from Him but I learned over the years that I'm in a better state if I run to Him. He has been my consistent strength and comfort my whole life so why would I blame Him or run from Him now? I can honestly say that through all of this, I still love God and still trust Him.
The main question that plays through my head everyday is "Why?" Why her? Why now? Why so soon? Why did she have to go like that? The other question that plaques me is "Where is she now?" As a Christian, I'm a firm believer that after we die, we either go to Heaven (by choosing Jesus, by choosing LOVE) or to Hell (by rejecting Jesus and His LOVE). I'm so torn by this thought. I know I'll be ok as long as I know she's with God now. But is she? Did my prayers count? Did what I say to her matter in God's eyes? Did I say the right things? Did I even say enough? All of these questions torment me on a daily basis and honestly, I may never know the answer until the day I die when God shows me (or if I see her waiting for me in Heaven).
Throughout this whole thing, I've had a wake up call to life. I don't want Hell for my family, or for anyone for that matter. We all have that choice. Jesus didn't die for you so that you could be controlled and to have all your joy and freedom taken away. He died for the opposite! He came so that you could be set free and to live life abundantly. He only has OVERWHELMING LOVE for you and longs for you to spend eternity with Him in paradise. He's not a wrathful, angry God. God put all of His wrath on Jesus when He died on the cross for you. All your sins (which sin separates you from God, FROM LOVE) were placed on Jesus. He took all the sins of the world upon Himself so that if we believe in Him, we would be set free and would be able to have eternity (and even this life now) with God. You see, I've learned that it's NOT about religion. In fact, (a lot of you will hate this) I hate religion. It's a man-made system that's filled with traditions and filled with control that keeps you from being yourself. I'm not bashing any religion in general. It's just "religion" itself. What I've learned is that it's not "religion" (how many good works you do for God to "earn" your way into heaven) but it's relationship. God so LOVED the world that He sent HIS SON (who would do that?!?) to die for us. He loves us so much that He wants us to know Him and to know what His love is like.
Anyway, I could go on and on about how amazing God is and how His love is real. Give Him that chance and I promise you He will reveal Himself and His love for you. It goes beyond what we can even think or understand. So I can still honestly say through all of this that God is good. That He knows what He's doing (even when I don't).
I pray that NONE of you will EVER have to go through what I've been through but unfortunately, death is inevitable. I just pray it's LATER than SOONER for you.
Coming back to California was hard. Probably the hardest flight I've ever taken. I didn't want to leave my family but I know my mom wouldn't want me to give up my dreams because of this. So I'm going to continue to go after them. And coming back to this school has helped a lot in the grieving process. Everyone has been so welcoming and so understanding and they all hold me as I cry or are always there whenever I need them. The best part of coming back is the prayer support I have. I love how soooo many people (both here and in Minnesota) have been a huge support for me and my family. And to all of you reading this that have prayed or continue to pray for my family and I, I cannot thank you enough! Whether you gave money, food, support, flowers, or prayer, it all mattered to us and we are so grateful!
It's going to be a hard year for me and my family but I know we are never alone! There's always going to be someone that comes in and just loves on us, even in our "darkest hour." And for that I'm grateful as well!
Anyway, I know I'm all over the place. I've been really scatter-brained from this traumatic event and from all the traveling. But I'm glad I can ramble and rant. Because now is the perfect time to let it all out. And thank you for taking the time to read this and to hear my heart. It means a lot to me as well to have a listening ear (or eye??).
I ask that you all continue to pray for me and my family. I do lift up a prayer request for finances as well. We've come to realize that funerals are extremely expensive and now we may have hospital bills coming our way as well! But hey, God still works miracles in ALL areas so I'm sure He'll come through for us like He always does. I love you all!! God bless!
Holding on to His LOVE,
~Jess~
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
2012 Already?!?
Hey everyone.
Sorry this is terribly delayed as usual. Things have been chaotic since the new year and I have no idea where to begin. First off, happy new year!
Honestly, I have no idea how to feel about 2012. Of course there's all the negative hype around 2012 but then there's also some things I've realized. I was never looking forward to this year. I know that sounds pretty negative but over the years I've been working through a lot of fears of the "end of the world." Now I doubt that this is the year that everything ends (C'mon, seriously? Really?). But this feels like a year where I wanted so many things accomplished.
You know how you set goals based on your age? Well, that's exactly what I did growing up. I was hoping (more like expecting) to be married by 21, be in at least one movie by 21 (that's always been my dream: to be in Hollywood movies like Lord of the Rings or Star Wars....all fantasy based and mostly pretty clean when it comes to the world's perspective), and to have at least one child by 23. Well, this is the year that I turn 23 and to not have any of the above accomplished, I feel like I've, in a sense, lost it all. But God still reminds me everyday to hope for those things and to never give up. And even though it's hard, I plan on not giving up. Now that I look back on it, I'm actually glad that I'm not married yet....because what I know now on relationships and marriage has drastically changed my perspective on marriage and I'm going in to it with the idea "What can I GIVE to this relationship, not what can I TAKE from this relationship?" I've learned so much about life in general and how to deal with relationships in a fruitful way and I'm very thankful that I haven't pursued a deeper relationship.
Another reason why I say this is because God has been dealing with a lot of junk in me that I never knew was there. While BSSM is amazing, and the stuff we learn in school is irreplaceable for ministry, I find the most growth I'm getting out of this year is still in the area of my identity. I thought I had it all figured out and knew who I was since BSSD but turns out, there's still a lot of hidden wounds and fears that I need healing and breakthrough in. And because of a recent conflict, I've realized that I'm SOOOOOO not ready for a relationship and this would be very hard to bring all this baggage into marriage, which is something I do NOT want to do to my husband. God is such a great Father and that He just wants the best for me and the reason why His timing is ALWAYS perfect is because He prepares us and cultivates us until we're ready and then He surprises us when we least expect it. I love how He works like that! :D
Anyway, besides all that, I am in a HUGE need for prayer and support. I'm still able to go to Ecuador from March 22 to April 6th (they extended the dates), but I still need some finances. I can't thank all who've donated and prayed enough! You all are amazing and you're support was not in vain! I believe that God has STRATEGICALLY placed me on this trip and that He's going to really call out my identity and giftings while in Ecuador. I feel like God's going to push me beyond what I thought I could do and show me how He can use me, even when I feel like I'm ill-equipped. He can use anyone for His glory! Isn't that amazing?!? I also feel like Ecuador is on the verge of a serious shift and breakthrough and I would sooooo love to be a part of it! But there's only one thing that's holding me back, my financial situation. I did have a $1,100 payment that was due last Tuesday. I did receive about $400 of it (PRAISE GOD! And thanks to all who donated! Seriously, you're amazing! And I pray God will bless you 100-fold for what you've given me!) but I still need about $510. Now BSSM has given me a grace period to get it together but that period ends TOMORROW BY THE END OF THE DAY (That's February 1st!!).
So if you all could continue to pray for me and/or support me financially that'd be amazing! I know God has placed me on this trip for a reason and His love will be made known to the people of Ecuador! It's going to be life-transforming! I truly believe that!
If you'd like to partner with me on this, feel free to lift me and my team up in prayer. Also, if you'd like to support me and my team as we go to Ecuador, you can do so online at:
https://www.ibssm.org/?action=donate&target=missions&student_id=213752
All donations are TAX-DEDUCTIBLE and you will receive a statement at the end of the year for your tax records. If you wish to donate anonymously, just check the anonymous box. This will allow you to receive an end of the year statement, but will not allow me to see your name! You can also send a check payable to Bethel Church and can be sent to:
Bethel International
915 Twin View Blvd.
Redding, CA 96003
Don't forget to include a note designating that it's for my mission trip!
Sorry this is terribly delayed as usual. Things have been chaotic since the new year and I have no idea where to begin. First off, happy new year!
Honestly, I have no idea how to feel about 2012. Of course there's all the negative hype around 2012 but then there's also some things I've realized. I was never looking forward to this year. I know that sounds pretty negative but over the years I've been working through a lot of fears of the "end of the world." Now I doubt that this is the year that everything ends (C'mon, seriously? Really?). But this feels like a year where I wanted so many things accomplished.
You know how you set goals based on your age? Well, that's exactly what I did growing up. I was hoping (more like expecting) to be married by 21, be in at least one movie by 21 (that's always been my dream: to be in Hollywood movies like Lord of the Rings or Star Wars....all fantasy based and mostly pretty clean when it comes to the world's perspective), and to have at least one child by 23. Well, this is the year that I turn 23 and to not have any of the above accomplished, I feel like I've, in a sense, lost it all. But God still reminds me everyday to hope for those things and to never give up. And even though it's hard, I plan on not giving up. Now that I look back on it, I'm actually glad that I'm not married yet....because what I know now on relationships and marriage has drastically changed my perspective on marriage and I'm going in to it with the idea "What can I GIVE to this relationship, not what can I TAKE from this relationship?" I've learned so much about life in general and how to deal with relationships in a fruitful way and I'm very thankful that I haven't pursued a deeper relationship.
Another reason why I say this is because God has been dealing with a lot of junk in me that I never knew was there. While BSSM is amazing, and the stuff we learn in school is irreplaceable for ministry, I find the most growth I'm getting out of this year is still in the area of my identity. I thought I had it all figured out and knew who I was since BSSD but turns out, there's still a lot of hidden wounds and fears that I need healing and breakthrough in. And because of a recent conflict, I've realized that I'm SOOOOOO not ready for a relationship and this would be very hard to bring all this baggage into marriage, which is something I do NOT want to do to my husband. God is such a great Father and that He just wants the best for me and the reason why His timing is ALWAYS perfect is because He prepares us and cultivates us until we're ready and then He surprises us when we least expect it. I love how He works like that! :D
Anyway, besides all that, I am in a HUGE need for prayer and support. I'm still able to go to Ecuador from March 22 to April 6th (they extended the dates), but I still need some finances. I can't thank all who've donated and prayed enough! You all are amazing and you're support was not in vain! I believe that God has STRATEGICALLY placed me on this trip and that He's going to really call out my identity and giftings while in Ecuador. I feel like God's going to push me beyond what I thought I could do and show me how He can use me, even when I feel like I'm ill-equipped. He can use anyone for His glory! Isn't that amazing?!? I also feel like Ecuador is on the verge of a serious shift and breakthrough and I would sooooo love to be a part of it! But there's only one thing that's holding me back, my financial situation. I did have a $1,100 payment that was due last Tuesday. I did receive about $400 of it (PRAISE GOD! And thanks to all who donated! Seriously, you're amazing! And I pray God will bless you 100-fold for what you've given me!) but I still need about $510. Now BSSM has given me a grace period to get it together but that period ends TOMORROW BY THE END OF THE DAY (That's February 1st!!).
So if you all could continue to pray for me and/or support me financially that'd be amazing! I know God has placed me on this trip for a reason and His love will be made known to the people of Ecuador! It's going to be life-transforming! I truly believe that!
If you'd like to partner with me on this, feel free to lift me and my team up in prayer. Also, if you'd like to support me and my team as we go to Ecuador, you can do so online at:
https://www.ibssm.org/?action=donate&target=missions&student_id=213752
All donations are TAX-DEDUCTIBLE and you will receive a statement at the end of the year for your tax records. If you wish to donate anonymously, just check the anonymous box. This will allow you to receive an end of the year statement, but will not allow me to see your name! You can also send a check payable to Bethel Church and can be sent to:
Bethel International
915 Twin View Blvd.
Redding, CA 96003
Don't forget to include a note designating that it's for my mission trip!
So there you have it folks. God is still working on me and doing an amazingly deep work on my heart so that I can go to the nations someday. Thanks everyone for believing in me when I sometimes doubt who I am and for being patient as God does His thing. And again, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to all who have prayed/continue to pray for me and may have supported me financially! Every bit goes a long way! Even if it's only $5, it still is a HUGE blessing for me! I love you all so much!
Well, I'm off to rest up and then do some homework!
God Bless,
~Jess~
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Latest Thoughts and Revelations
Hello beautiful people!
I'm still alive here in California. There's so much that's been going on in my life and I'm not too sure on where to start. Let me just tell you what I've been realizing lately and how I've been affected by God's love.
First off, we had to read through a book recently called "Experiencing Father's Embrace" by Jack Frost. I highly recommend this book to anyone in their Christian walk. Even if you aren't a Christian, this book would be a good read for you. Did you know that most of us hold on to wounds that were caused back when we were children and we sometimes don't remember it? Wounds that maybe affected us subconsciously from what are parents did or did not do. I've realized that I view God the Father the way I view my biological dad. If my dad was lacking in some area, I believed a lie that says God will do the same. Now I'm not saying my dad was a horrible father, quite the contrary! My dad was always there for me and was protective of me and at times I was too rebellious to realize his love for me. I realize that I was also really affected by the way my parents lived there lives. For one, as a girl, I needed both parents there completely throughout my life and at times, just like most parents, they have failed to meet that standard. Now I love my parents very much, please don't get me wrong! But there were lingering wounds from the divorce and from other complications that have happened in my family. I never realized how much those wounds can affect my adult life. Hence why reading this book showed me that I can walk out in healing and forgiveness towards my parents. This book shows that however you relate to your parents is, in a sense, how you relate to God. If you are afraid of God because you think He's full of wrath and angry all the time, chances are you are believing a lie that was implanted into you because of the way your parents treated you. Anyway, I won't go further, I'll just suggest to go read the book yourself!
Did you know that we may have hidden lies that we believe that hinder our relationship with God? For me, that's huge! There have been so many lies that I believed that caused me to view God in a way that it was hard to connect to Him. But He has been so wonderful to reveal the lies and then reveal His truth in my life so I can be closer to Him!
I recently watched the newer version of "Annie" and realized I'm so much like Annie. Even though I actually am not an orphan, I definitely was spiritually and God adopted me. The end scene where Annie has been adopted and is dancing and singing with her new Daddy totally sounds like God to me. He's so in love with me and has adopted me into His family. My latest prayer has been to realize that I'm "Annie the adopted," no longer "Annie the orphan." Especially when it comes to finances, I want to trust God in His promise to be my Provider, in the same way a father provides everything for his daughter.
Speaking of finances, God totally provided a miracle. I can't get into too much detail for my dignity's sake, but I had in incident with my car that costed me a $527 fine. I was freaking out because I have no job and had no idea how I was going to pay for it when I received help from the most unexpected place! God is so good! Even if I mess up and was stupid with my driving, He comes through and helps me walk through my messes! Yay God!
Here's something I wrote down in class one day that has become my biggest revelation:
I'm realizing that God is my Daddy. He is pleased and proud of me and when I mess up, He is quick to run and comfort me and lift me back up. I realize that God's love for me is unconditional - meaning I don't have to DO but just BE. His love is reckless for me. I now know that God not only loves me but likes me. He is pleased when I'm free to be myself and when I'm comfortable in my own skin. It hurts Him when I compare myself to others because I force myself to fit into someone else's mold. It has taken me years to realize that true beauty is being myself - that I'm perfectly and wonderfully made - even if I have thunder thighs, bad hair days, acne, or whatever else. It is extremely important to realize that God has made us unique. There is no one like you in the world and no one could ever fit into the shoes that God created specifically for you to wear. I'm also realizing that everyone needs love. After being with God, being loved by Him, and knowing He accepts me, I long all the more for the world to know this love! I want to run to every broken and hurting person and tell them "You are loved and accepted." and then prove it with an action of love.
So for my final note, I want to let you all know about my mission trip to Ecuador in March. Our teams' primary focus will be training in the prophetic, arts, healing, ministering on the streets and in churches, hospitals, treasure hunting, shifting atmospheres, and releasing God's Kingdom. Worship and release God's heart over the nation, region, and specific church will also be a big part of what we do as a team. We will fly into the capital, Quito, and then travel to Loja (in the south) to minister. Here's a map for your viewing pleasure! :D
I'm so excited to be used by God in a huge way! If you'd like to partner with me on this, feel free to lift me and my team up in prayer. Also, if you'd like to support me and my team as we go to Ecuador, you can do so online at: https://www.ibssm.org/?action=donate&target=missions&student_id=213752 All donations are TAX-DEDUCTIBLE and you will receive a statement at the end of the year for your tax records. If you wish to donate anonymously, just check the anonymous box. This will allow you to receive an end of the year statement, but will not allow me to see your name! You can also send a check payable to Bethel Church and can be sent to:
Bethel International
915 Twin View Blvd.
Redding, CA 96003
Don't forget to include a note designating that it's for my mission trip!
Here's a need that I lift up to everyone for prayer or support: I have a deadline to pay $1,100 by January 17, 2012. I then have a final payment of $1,060 on February 21, 2012! Any little bit helps, even if it is only $5, $10, or $20 and is much appreciated! I thank you all in advance for partnering with me on this wonderful adventure and sowing into what God is doing in Ecuador! I pray you will be blessed immensely for what you have given me, even if it is only prayer! Prayer works I tell you! :D Oh and to clarify, Redding is a city with 200,000 people and about 11,000 of them are currently unemployed. Honestly, I've never had so much difficulty in getting a job but I know that God is faithful with my efforts. Please keep praying for a job to open up! I specifically told myself this whole year to not make any plans for Christmas just so that I could work. I do want a job badly and will put any money that I work for towards my trip as well. So thank you all for your continued prayers for a job! God is so good and I know He will come through!
If you have any questions about my mission trip, my life, what God's been doing, or even a prayer request, you can email, write, call, facebook, etc.! Please don't hesitate!
I love you all so much and I can't wait to tell you more of what God has been doing in my life! Don't forget to laugh today, it's good for you!
Many Blessings!
~Jess~
I'm still alive here in California. There's so much that's been going on in my life and I'm not too sure on where to start. Let me just tell you what I've been realizing lately and how I've been affected by God's love.
First off, we had to read through a book recently called "Experiencing Father's Embrace" by Jack Frost. I highly recommend this book to anyone in their Christian walk. Even if you aren't a Christian, this book would be a good read for you. Did you know that most of us hold on to wounds that were caused back when we were children and we sometimes don't remember it? Wounds that maybe affected us subconsciously from what are parents did or did not do. I've realized that I view God the Father the way I view my biological dad. If my dad was lacking in some area, I believed a lie that says God will do the same. Now I'm not saying my dad was a horrible father, quite the contrary! My dad was always there for me and was protective of me and at times I was too rebellious to realize his love for me. I realize that I was also really affected by the way my parents lived there lives. For one, as a girl, I needed both parents there completely throughout my life and at times, just like most parents, they have failed to meet that standard. Now I love my parents very much, please don't get me wrong! But there were lingering wounds from the divorce and from other complications that have happened in my family. I never realized how much those wounds can affect my adult life. Hence why reading this book showed me that I can walk out in healing and forgiveness towards my parents. This book shows that however you relate to your parents is, in a sense, how you relate to God. If you are afraid of God because you think He's full of wrath and angry all the time, chances are you are believing a lie that was implanted into you because of the way your parents treated you. Anyway, I won't go further, I'll just suggest to go read the book yourself!
Did you know that we may have hidden lies that we believe that hinder our relationship with God? For me, that's huge! There have been so many lies that I believed that caused me to view God in a way that it was hard to connect to Him. But He has been so wonderful to reveal the lies and then reveal His truth in my life so I can be closer to Him!
I recently watched the newer version of "Annie" and realized I'm so much like Annie. Even though I actually am not an orphan, I definitely was spiritually and God adopted me. The end scene where Annie has been adopted and is dancing and singing with her new Daddy totally sounds like God to me. He's so in love with me and has adopted me into His family. My latest prayer has been to realize that I'm "Annie the adopted," no longer "Annie the orphan." Especially when it comes to finances, I want to trust God in His promise to be my Provider, in the same way a father provides everything for his daughter.
Speaking of finances, God totally provided a miracle. I can't get into too much detail for my dignity's sake, but I had in incident with my car that costed me a $527 fine. I was freaking out because I have no job and had no idea how I was going to pay for it when I received help from the most unexpected place! God is so good! Even if I mess up and was stupid with my driving, He comes through and helps me walk through my messes! Yay God!
Here's something I wrote down in class one day that has become my biggest revelation:
I'm realizing that God is my Daddy. He is pleased and proud of me and when I mess up, He is quick to run and comfort me and lift me back up. I realize that God's love for me is unconditional - meaning I don't have to DO but just BE. His love is reckless for me. I now know that God not only loves me but likes me. He is pleased when I'm free to be myself and when I'm comfortable in my own skin. It hurts Him when I compare myself to others because I force myself to fit into someone else's mold. It has taken me years to realize that true beauty is being myself - that I'm perfectly and wonderfully made - even if I have thunder thighs, bad hair days, acne, or whatever else. It is extremely important to realize that God has made us unique. There is no one like you in the world and no one could ever fit into the shoes that God created specifically for you to wear. I'm also realizing that everyone needs love. After being with God, being loved by Him, and knowing He accepts me, I long all the more for the world to know this love! I want to run to every broken and hurting person and tell them "You are loved and accepted." and then prove it with an action of love.
So for my final note, I want to let you all know about my mission trip to Ecuador in March. Our teams' primary focus will be training in the prophetic, arts, healing, ministering on the streets and in churches, hospitals, treasure hunting, shifting atmospheres, and releasing God's Kingdom. Worship and release God's heart over the nation, region, and specific church will also be a big part of what we do as a team. We will fly into the capital, Quito, and then travel to Loja (in the south) to minister. Here's a map for your viewing pleasure! :D
I'm so excited to be used by God in a huge way! If you'd like to partner with me on this, feel free to lift me and my team up in prayer. Also, if you'd like to support me and my team as we go to Ecuador, you can do so online at: https://www.ibssm.org/?action=donate&target=missions&student_id=213752 All donations are TAX-DEDUCTIBLE and you will receive a statement at the end of the year for your tax records. If you wish to donate anonymously, just check the anonymous box. This will allow you to receive an end of the year statement, but will not allow me to see your name! You can also send a check payable to Bethel Church and can be sent to:
Bethel International
915 Twin View Blvd.
Redding, CA 96003
Don't forget to include a note designating that it's for my mission trip!
Here's a need that I lift up to everyone for prayer or support: I have a deadline to pay $1,100 by January 17, 2012. I then have a final payment of $1,060 on February 21, 2012! Any little bit helps, even if it is only $5, $10, or $20 and is much appreciated! I thank you all in advance for partnering with me on this wonderful adventure and sowing into what God is doing in Ecuador! I pray you will be blessed immensely for what you have given me, even if it is only prayer! Prayer works I tell you! :D Oh and to clarify, Redding is a city with 200,000 people and about 11,000 of them are currently unemployed. Honestly, I've never had so much difficulty in getting a job but I know that God is faithful with my efforts. Please keep praying for a job to open up! I specifically told myself this whole year to not make any plans for Christmas just so that I could work. I do want a job badly and will put any money that I work for towards my trip as well. So thank you all for your continued prayers for a job! God is so good and I know He will come through!
If you have any questions about my mission trip, my life, what God's been doing, or even a prayer request, you can email, write, call, facebook, etc.! Please don't hesitate!
I love you all so much and I can't wait to tell you more of what God has been doing in my life! Don't forget to laugh today, it's good for you!
Many Blessings!
~Jess~
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
GLORY CLOUD?!?! SAY WHAT?!?!?
Hey world.
As the title says, something of epic proportions has been happening at Bethel lately. God has been releasing a ton of healings but not only that, He's starting to release signs in the church. I know this may sound crazy, but a few weeks ago we had the Open Heavens conference and this huge cloud of gold dust just appeared in the corner of the sanctuary. They have videos up all over youtube if you'd like to check it out. Here's one video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ts0Kz43Ewlc
Anyway, people were covered in gold dust and so many that stepped into the cloud received their healing! A lot of gold teeth and gold fillings appeared in people's mouths! Crazy? Yes, but we serve a crazy God! So that cloud has been showing up at random times and each time I would miss it. But luckily, last Sunday night, I was at a service at Twin View Campus (another church that is connected to Bethel and usually is for the Bethel students) and they announced that the cloud was back at Bethel again and so everyone booked it over there to see. I got there and it was packed! I didn't see much but everyone was singing hymns in a capella and it was sooooo beautiful! Then, as some people went up to testify of the healings they just received, the cloud returned! It wasn't as intense as in the videos but to see it with my own eyes! Wow! It looked like a bunch of glitter was flying in the air by the lights. Later, we did a fire tunnel (a prayer tunnel basically) but it ended when the cloud increased! By then, most of the people went home because it was getting late but us BSSM students stood on chairs and reached up to it. At one point, it came down lower and it looked like it was snowing before my eyes! It was so beautiful! All we could do was worship God in that moment. I became such a child in that time because I found myself jumping up and down and screaming and laughing with excitement at what I was seeing! It was incredible!
So, after that long speech of the glory cloud, what else is going on? Well, I finally found out my mission trip! I didn't get to have any of my 5 choices unfortunately and had to re-choose 3. I got accepted to Loja, Ecuador from March 23, 2012 to April 3, 2012. Here's a short description of what this trip will look like:
"God has been preparing and positioning Ecuador for national revival… We are excited to be
partnering again this year with local Verbo churches in healing the sick, releasing God’s Glory,
training and equipping in the prophetic and the arts. We’ll minister in city parks and town squares.
Join us as we build on momentum from last year – these guys are amazing and ready for more. You
won’t want to miss it!"
I'm not too sure on what this trip looks like completely but I do know that the mission trips that go through Bethel are life transforming! I hear so many amazing testimonies of how God moves through the students to touch peoples' lives. I can't wait to see what God will do with my life and how impacted I will be by His love for the world. Also, this is the perfect opportunity to take what I've been learning here at this ministry school and actually take it out and do it! I will be (and am) living the Great Commission! No matter what this trip looks like, I know it will be amazing and totally worth it!
I do need to pay a deposit of $240 by November 13th and the total is $2,400. If you'd like to sow into this mission trip and partner with what God is doing in my life, you can do so at:
https://www.ibssm.org/?action=donate&target=missions&student_id=213752
Also, anything you do sow is TAX DEDUCTIBLE! Again, if you decide to support me in this, I cannot thank you enough! Every little bit counts!! Even if the only thing you can do is pray, then great! So again, thank you! You all are amazing!
Here are just a few pictures of what's been going on here lately!
It was dress up night for my revival group! I was a 50's poodle skirt girl and my friend Kris was a 50's guy! We had fun!
My amazing revival group pastor, Marlene Aaronson, dressed as Madonna.
This is Yukako. She's from Japan! She's amazing!
Dance pose! Woot!
Here's a pic of some of my revival group at the JH Retreat.
And my revival group again....we take up all the bleachers at school! :D
This is what worship from the back looks like at BSSM. Love it!
Here's a shot of all of my revival group, minus one. One of ours is in the ICU so we wanted to encourage him. The signs say "We love you Johnny!"
This is what it looks like to pray for each other in my revival group! Amazing!
Sorry about the "squished" pictures....not too sure how to fix that.... Anyway, I'd best be off! Thanks again for reading this! I love you all very much and hope to hear from you all soon! Feel free to email, facebook, text, etc. me if you want to get in touch or if you have a prayer request, don't hesitate to let me know!
God Bless!
~Jess~
As the title says, something of epic proportions has been happening at Bethel lately. God has been releasing a ton of healings but not only that, He's starting to release signs in the church. I know this may sound crazy, but a few weeks ago we had the Open Heavens conference and this huge cloud of gold dust just appeared in the corner of the sanctuary. They have videos up all over youtube if you'd like to check it out. Here's one video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ts0Kz43Ewlc
Anyway, people were covered in gold dust and so many that stepped into the cloud received their healing! A lot of gold teeth and gold fillings appeared in people's mouths! Crazy? Yes, but we serve a crazy God! So that cloud has been showing up at random times and each time I would miss it. But luckily, last Sunday night, I was at a service at Twin View Campus (another church that is connected to Bethel and usually is for the Bethel students) and they announced that the cloud was back at Bethel again and so everyone booked it over there to see. I got there and it was packed! I didn't see much but everyone was singing hymns in a capella and it was sooooo beautiful! Then, as some people went up to testify of the healings they just received, the cloud returned! It wasn't as intense as in the videos but to see it with my own eyes! Wow! It looked like a bunch of glitter was flying in the air by the lights. Later, we did a fire tunnel (a prayer tunnel basically) but it ended when the cloud increased! By then, most of the people went home because it was getting late but us BSSM students stood on chairs and reached up to it. At one point, it came down lower and it looked like it was snowing before my eyes! It was so beautiful! All we could do was worship God in that moment. I became such a child in that time because I found myself jumping up and down and screaming and laughing with excitement at what I was seeing! It was incredible!
So, after that long speech of the glory cloud, what else is going on? Well, I finally found out my mission trip! I didn't get to have any of my 5 choices unfortunately and had to re-choose 3. I got accepted to Loja, Ecuador from March 23, 2012 to April 3, 2012. Here's a short description of what this trip will look like:
"God has been preparing and positioning Ecuador for national revival… We are excited to be
partnering again this year with local Verbo churches in healing the sick, releasing God’s Glory,
training and equipping in the prophetic and the arts. We’ll minister in city parks and town squares.
Join us as we build on momentum from last year – these guys are amazing and ready for more. You
won’t want to miss it!"
I'm not too sure on what this trip looks like completely but I do know that the mission trips that go through Bethel are life transforming! I hear so many amazing testimonies of how God moves through the students to touch peoples' lives. I can't wait to see what God will do with my life and how impacted I will be by His love for the world. Also, this is the perfect opportunity to take what I've been learning here at this ministry school and actually take it out and do it! I will be (and am) living the Great Commission! No matter what this trip looks like, I know it will be amazing and totally worth it!
I do need to pay a deposit of $240 by November 13th and the total is $2,400. If you'd like to sow into this mission trip and partner with what God is doing in my life, you can do so at:
https://www.ibssm.org/?action=donate&target=missions&student_id=213752
Also, anything you do sow is TAX DEDUCTIBLE! Again, if you decide to support me in this, I cannot thank you enough! Every little bit counts!! Even if the only thing you can do is pray, then great! So again, thank you! You all are amazing!
Here are just a few pictures of what's been going on here lately!
Sorry about the "squished" pictures....not too sure how to fix that.... Anyway, I'd best be off! Thanks again for reading this! I love you all very much and hope to hear from you all soon! Feel free to email, facebook, text, etc. me if you want to get in touch or if you have a prayer request, don't hesitate to let me know!
God Bless!
~Jess~
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