Here it is, the day I've been dreading has finally come and smacked me full force in my heart. The painful reality that I won't be able to ever TRULY celebrate this beautiful holiday for the woman who gave birth to me 23 years ago. A day that used to be filled with laughter and celebration has now turned to pain and many tears. Of course, I'm so grateful and happy for all the mom's out there. At the same time, it's like this day is taking a giant sword and stabbing it through my heart over and over.
Church was rough today. I knew it would be. The leaders took the time to honor and bless all the mom's in the building. All I could do was cry the whole time. Another thing, I received a picture text of my mom's tombstone today. Again, I could only cry. It seems that's the only thing I can do lately. But apparently, that's healthy and normal. But I hate it. I miss my mom.
This should honestly be a time for celebrating in general. A little over a week ago, I turned 23. Honestly, my birthday was ok but if I had to rank it in comparison with all my other birthdays, it was the lowest. It was depressing to not hear my mom's cheerful voice attempting to sing some random birthday jig on my voice mail when I awoke. I miss that so much.
Another thing worth celebrating, my graduation from BSSM 1st Year tomorrow. It's a bittersweet moment for sure! These students and leaders have literally become my family and I'm so grateful for all the time we were able to have together for the last 9 or so months. But now, comes the end where many will go home to later come back in the fall for 2nd Year. Some will not be coming back at all. If you couldn't tell, I really do hate good-byes. These amazing people have been such a strong support in this process. I'd hate to go back to nothing. By the way, if you'd like to tune into my graduation, you can see a live (free) feed of it here:
http://www.ibethel.tv/watch/1409/bssm-1st-year-graduation/
Or you can watch it later I do believe. There's 915 students (I think) and they go up by alphabetical revival groups. Mine's "Marlene Aaronson" (which will be towards the end) so you can fast forward to that part if you'd like (after it's been recorded).
And the question that's been on my whole family's mind (and mine) is "What's next?" Honestly, I don't know. I really want to do 2nd Year but that requires money that I don't have. But I do know that God is faithful and if this is where He wants me, then He'll totally provide (a job, a new car, tuition, mission trip, etc.). But I really don't know what's going to happen. All I know is that I've been looking for jobs (and will go job hunting even more vigorously now that school's out) and we'll see from there. I may have to move depending on if I can get a job here or not. We'll see.
On another note, I've been meaning to write about my mission trip but things have been so chaotic for me the last 2 months.....if you couldn't already tell. I will write about it for sure in my next blog for you though.
This next part of my blog I wrote a month ago and just haven't gotten around to posting it so I decided to clip it on this one:
So here I am, stuck in the middle of one of life's greatest challenges. I'm taking that one step that will bring me toward a new day. Each day brings a new chance at choosing hope, choosing love. It seems that everyday brings new challenges and obstacles, but in the end, will we be able to look back and say that we overcame? That we were able to make victories out of all the challenges in life? So then how would victory look in the face of death? Is it victorious? Is there a sliver of light in the midst of all the darkness? Is there hope for a new and better day?
It seems that all I have left is hope. I'm holding on to LOVE with my whole being. Everyday I have to stop and take a deep breath and realize that life goes on. Everyday the question comes, "Will things ever be normal?" Well then, what is normal? Is normal the perspective of the life we are so used to living? Does normal ever change? In my case, it does. My version of normal has been dramatically transformed. After my mom passed away, it feels like nothing could ever be normal again. So does that mean I make a new "normal" out of life? Of course it does. So then, what does the new normal look like?
Throughout this grieving process, the only person I know I could turn to for strength is Jesus. He has forever been my rock and solid ground when it feels like my ground has been put through the mightiest of earthquakes. He has been my anchor of hope and faith when the strongest of storms tries to tear my ship apart. He has been my consistent comfort as I cry with all that I am. He has been my mighty fortress and strong tower when the fear fires it's fiery darts at me. I'm so thankful that I have such a loving God that has been with me as I walk through this process.
My favorite poem is "Footprints in the Sand" by Mary Stevenson:
One night I had a dream.
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."
This poem has been made reality to me so many times in life, especially now. I really do believe that God is carrying me through this time because I don't have the strength on my own. I feel like I'm at my most broken and shattered point I could ever be at.
Looking back now, I can totally see God's hand in all of this, as crazy as that sounds. I'm extremely grateful that my mom wasn't alone or driving when she had the stroke. She was working at her job and it sounded like she was laughing and having a great time. I'm grateful that I was able to go home and see her before she passed away. I'm grateful that it happened while I'm attending BSSM because so many people have come beside me to support me and love on me as I mourn. Most have cried with me actually. I realize that if she passed away during the summer or after I went on to something else, I wouldn't have this amazing chain of support and love that I have here at the school. I'm grateful that the last conversation I had with her was a longer than usual one. Even though we were both busy, we were able to take a moment to "catch up" on everything. So you can imagine that this stroke came as a complete shock to me since she sounded "just fine" a week before she passed. I'm grateful that this didn't happen while I was a teenager or younger; I KNOW I would not be handling it the way I'm handling it now. Of course I'm extremely sad that she parted so soon. And the thought of her not being here for my future birthdays, for holidays, for my wedding day or even coaching me on giving birth to my kids, absolutely tears me apart inside. And of course, everyone keeps telling me that "she's in a better place," and that "she's watching over me." But it's not the same to have someone watching your life from afar and not being a physical participant in life with you.
It's funny how the grieving process works. You can continue on with your life and completely forget what just happened. Your mind seems to have amnesia. You can feel deep down that something terrible's happened but your mind never clicks and tells you that you just lost someone. My whole life, when I would go through something hard or painful, my mom would be the first person I always called for encouragement and a kind word. She was always good at reminding me of my dreams and that "it's all going to be ok." She was the most optimistic person I know. So even now, I know something bad has happened but I can't comprehend it, until I get the urge to call her and tell her about it, and that's when it hits me. I can't call her. I can never hear her voice again. I can never feel her strong encouragement and support. I hate these horrible moments when the realization sets in and it feels like it's the end of the world all of a sudden. I hate how I'm triggered by the smallest of things. I was driving in my car the other day and put in a CD. Well, I've forgotten that the CD I was listening to was the one I listened to when my mom helped me move from Colorado to Minnesota. Again, I broke.
Looking back now, I can totally see God's hand in all of this, as crazy as that sounds. I'm extremely grateful that my mom wasn't alone or driving when she had the stroke. She was working at her job and it sounded like she was laughing and having a great time. I'm grateful that I was able to go home and see her before she passed away. I'm grateful that it happened while I'm attending BSSM because so many people have come beside me to support me and love on me as I mourn. Most have cried with me actually. I realize that if she passed away during the summer or after I went on to something else, I wouldn't have this amazing chain of support and love that I have here at the school. I'm grateful that the last conversation I had with her was a longer than usual one. Even though we were both busy, we were able to take a moment to "catch up" on everything. So you can imagine that this stroke came as a complete shock to me since she sounded "just fine" a week before she passed. I'm grateful that this didn't happen while I was a teenager or younger; I KNOW I would not be handling it the way I'm handling it now. Of course I'm extremely sad that she parted so soon. And the thought of her not being here for my future birthdays, for holidays, for my wedding day or even coaching me on giving birth to my kids, absolutely tears me apart inside. And of course, everyone keeps telling me that "she's in a better place," and that "she's watching over me." But it's not the same to have someone watching your life from afar and not being a physical participant in life with you.
It's funny how the grieving process works. You can continue on with your life and completely forget what just happened. Your mind seems to have amnesia. You can feel deep down that something terrible's happened but your mind never clicks and tells you that you just lost someone. My whole life, when I would go through something hard or painful, my mom would be the first person I always called for encouragement and a kind word. She was always good at reminding me of my dreams and that "it's all going to be ok." She was the most optimistic person I know. So even now, I know something bad has happened but I can't comprehend it, until I get the urge to call her and tell her about it, and that's when it hits me. I can't call her. I can never hear her voice again. I can never feel her strong encouragement and support. I hate these horrible moments when the realization sets in and it feels like it's the end of the world all of a sudden. I hate how I'm triggered by the smallest of things. I was driving in my car the other day and put in a CD. Well, I've forgotten that the CD I was listening to was the one I listened to when my mom helped me move from Colorado to Minnesota. Again, I broke.
But yet, through all of this, I'm reminded of how precious life really is and how valuable each and every single person on this planet is. I'm reminded everyday to slow down and take the time to connect with people. To not isolate myself and get lost in my own world, but to go out and allow people into my heart.
So all in all, I still believe that God will still work this out for good and that my family will experience His LOVE for them. All I have now is to let go and let GOD.
So there you have it folks. Make sure you really love on the people in your life today. Especially your mom. She's a huge blessing and you won't realize how much you really do need and love her until she's gone. Or maybe that was just my case. Anyway, take the time to really say the heart-felt things to her (and your dad, siblings, and the rest of your family while you're at it). Life is such a precious thing. Don't waste it.
I'll be here, continuing to climb this giant mountain before me.
Much Love,
~Jess~
