*I recently saw that this was in my drafts and I never published it. This is from last October and are just some of my random thoughts. Sorry for the lateness!*
Hey everyone.
Sorry it's been a while since I posted again. The last few months have just flown by! It's crazy how time does that.
Anyway, to update you all on where I'm at. I made the decision to take the year off and continue to work and live here in Humboldt County and save up for 2nd year next year. It was a hard decision to make.
I can't believe it's already been over half a year since my mom past away. The grieving process has been a roller coaster for me. I'll be fine for a couple of weeks and not even think about her and then suddenly, one little thing will sending me over the edge. I recently watched two movies in the past two weeks that have had a scene of the mom dying suddenly and the child grieving. I would start crying myself because I felt like that little girl screaming "I miss my mommy. I want my mommy back." Or the other movie showed the mom having a stroke.....why do they always have to hit so close to home for me? And why do movies lately keep killing off the moms?!
Anyway, sorry about the rant. I recently listened to some sounds that I have recorded on my phone and most of them are hilarious conversations or inside jokes that made me laugh. But then I get to one where it was fourth of July and I was with my family. And we were all happy. You could hear us all laughing at my dad for commentating on the fireworks and we'd crack jokes about each other. I was fine until I heard my mom's laugh.....and then I just broke. It's amazing how you can miss something so simple as a laugh so much.
I've had many people tell me frequently the last few years of how great a mom I'll be someday. I've always had the fear that I wouldn't be a "good enough mom" or that I'd make tons of mistakes.
I feel like lately I've allowed myself to make a lot of stupid decisions. A word of advice for anyone grieving, don't let it cloud your thinking and really guard yourself in those moments. We all have pain and it's what we do with that pain that makes us who we are. Whether that's reaching out to others for help, or drowning the pain away in some sort of addiction or obsession, or filling the void with something else that shouldn't be there. I've realized that no matter how many times I fall, God's always there to quickly pick me up. His love is endless.....and sometimes I forget that. I forget at times that I'm human and I do make mistakes and I'm far from perfect but it's what I do with my weakness that shows my true character. Do I run to God? Or run away from Him in the complete opposite direction? Of all the things I've been through, I've learned time and again that it's so much easier to run to Him. He is always a steady and firm foundation for me. So why do I forget that so easily?
I honestly don't know what the next year holds for me. I still want to go to 2nd year eventually. But I almost feel like there's something else.....and I can't put my finger on it. I've been thinking of going to schools that will pull on my gifts.....like the arts. I'm still up in the air but luckily there's time to figure things out. And I'll for sure let you know on where I decide to go next on my journey. Because life's an adventure, right? And it does come with plenty of speed bumps and obstacles but that doesn't mean you stop! Keep going because the road will take us to our destiny.
I think I need a shift in my thinking and in my perspective. I need to stop thinking so negatively and really find the joys in life that I used to love. It's easy to let confusion, doubt, fear, and worry in but I'd rather be a genuinely happy person. Life is so much easier with joy. Life is so much easier with God. I'm preaching to the choir....but seriously He is the one and only thing that has remained constant through out everything life has thrown at me. I can't explain it but He really is a great God and such a loving Father. His love never fails....time and again His love will never fail. And even when I think I totally ruined His plans for me, He quickly reminds me that I'm His little girl and that He always will have a plan for me and He's quick to remind me the dreams He has dreamed for me or of the promises He has spoken to me my whole life. I still have a purpose. I still have a future (an amazing one at that!). I still have His love. No matter how far I think I've run from Him, He is always there loving on me in a way that no person can ever love on me. A love that runs deeper than the ocean, a love that goes higher than space itself, a love that can move mountains, a love that will NEVER FAIL. I can't even fathom how such a wonderful God would still love me in the midst of my mess and call me Beloved. What a beautiful God I live for!
*End for October Update. I'll post something new here soon!*
